WARNING! Due to a silly goose infiltration, this article is satirical in nature and should not be interpreted as factual.
The Grand Junction Police Department (GJPD) arrested a suspect connected with the fatal poisoning of Anti-Crite editor Redbull Done.
After the murder happened on Friday Feb. 13, the GJPD issued an arrest warrant a few days later for Anti-Crite Fake-News Editor for Sad Silver.
Local authorities arrested Silver the next day with the following charges: one count of resisting arrest, three counts of assault on a police officer and one count first-degree murder.
Investigators believe that Silver poisoned Done between 2 and 4 a.m. in the Anti-Crite’s secret underground headquarters during a late night round of editing.
Initial toxicology reports showed an “obscene amount of arsenic” present in Done’s body. Investigators discovered trace amounts of arsenic in a cup of tea they believe Done drank the night of the incident.
Chief of Police Matt Smith claimed the Anti-Crite editors have previous experience “wrecking havoc” on the Grand Junction community. They confirmed the existence of at least 12 other police reports documenting encounters with Anti-Crite staff.
“They’re like rabid animals: unhinged, insane and full of malice,” Smith said. “Last year, during the raid on the brony convention hosted at Hotel Maverick, these monsters were completely unphased by the horrors we witnessed. We had to arrest them.”
Recent CMU graduate Mami Lungas helped report Silver’s crime to the authorities after seeing a suspicious comment left under posts mourning Done’s passing.
“You know, normally I would ignore it because people rage bait all the time. But, when you post comments with your public account like, ‘Should have done it sooner,’ and ‘How did the arsenic taste?,’ it does tend to raise your suspicions a bit,” Lungas said.
Lungas received assistance from multiple students who noticed similar “weird behavior” from Silver’s social media accounts.
The GJPD believes Silver committed the crime out of passion. Done published numerous articles criticizing fellow student and Silver’s lover, Edward Picklehands, after his was 86-ed from Tomlinson Library.
Picklehands denied a connection between this event and Silver’s crime.
“I don’t even know why you’re looking into this. When controversial people make controversial statements, expect controversial things to happen to them,” Picklehands said. “I’m not saying Redbull deserved it, but words hurt. So does arsenic, apparently.”
When the police showed up on Silver’s door, Silver resorted to hurling pickles and spraying pickle brine at the responding officers when comforted on March 21.
Silver currently awaits trial at the Mesa County Detention Facility without bond.
Penis.
