WARNING! Due to a silly goose infiltration, this article is satirical in nature and should not be interpreted as factual.
Beyoncé booked for commencement speaker is the shock of the century.
The question that buzzes through campus is how did CMU get Beyoncé? Some suspect is it for entertainment and wonder where was this energy for previous graduates? Others suspect it’s a strategy to raise the turnout rate for this semester’s graduation.
“Beyoncé is an icon, diva and a performer, and since graduating is a celebration, and it’s the 100th anniversary, we should amplify that, so why wouldn’t we have Beyoncé send our new graduates into the real world?” Res Life worker Mike the Headless Chicken said. He is the one responsible for booking Beyoncé.
The Headless Chicken made sure to emphasize the importance of “calling the paparazzi, we ain’t got clips to hide tonight.”
Queen B herself confirmed that in addition to a speech, she will also be performing her hit songs “Diva”, “Single Ladies”, “Formation”, “Halo” and “My House”.
This A-list celebrity coming to Grand Junction will mark a historic event; it will be the first time any celebrity has performed at the spring graduation ceremony. Thanks to Hunt and the connection he has with Beyoncé, this spring graduating class will go down in the books as the most extravagant ceremony for CMU.
“Beyoncé and I go way back, so all I had to do was hit my home girl up and pitch the idea to her, and she said yes, then I had to make a deal with her agent and make a deal with who she works for,” Hunt said.
Graduation ceremonies aren’t always known as the most entertaining thing; rather, it’s more of an emotional and monumental moment for the graduates. With turnout rates dropping for graduation ceremonies and students expecting more from the university, this seems to be the best solution.
“Yeah, graduations are like genuinely so boring, but I feel like having Beyoncé perform will make that shit poppin, I would definitely show up,” added music performance major Anita Bath.
Senior Casey Undacover, who is graduating this spring with a bachelor of fine arts is excited for graduation with their friends.
“Oh my goodness, all my friends and I are gonna get in formation, and turn up as we celebrate our graduation,” Undacover said.
While students may be aware of some of the complications that can come from this, some choose to ignore that and support this.
“This has to be a stick-up; she definitely just needs those bags and all that money, but honestly, whatever it takes CMU to get Beyoncé here, I’ll support,” business major Jack Hoff said.
With years spent in the spotlight and hundreds of performances, Beyoncé is a star who will be the most impactful commencement speaker in CMU history, concluding the year of 100th anniversary events. There’s no doubt this will be quite monumental for the ceremony, but will this have deeper impacts for the university moving forward?
“To be honest, I don’t know why Beyoncé is wasting her time at CMU, but all I know is that I’ll get a check for how well the performance goes, so people better show up, and her boss would be mad if we didn’t,” Beyoncé’s media agent Dan Druff said.
