WARNING! Due to a silly goose infiltration, this article is satirical in nature and should not be interpreted as factual.
Jared Taylor returned to CUM to throw students a Neapolitan ice cream party as an apology for his visit last spring. Taylor, an alleged white supremacist and segregationist, was invited to CUM last spring by the now disbanded Western Culture Club.
“I just wanted to show everyone I’ve changed,” Taylor said. “When I came to this campus last year, seeing the unity my presence brought about, I realized that was the exact opposite of what I wanted to achieve.”
Students were wary of Taylor’s announced “I Scream Social,” hosted in front of Houston Hall last week.
“I knew something was up when I went into the room and saw that they had segregated the Neapolitan ice cream before serving it to us,” sophomore English major Richard Bachman said. “Who goes through the trouble of segregating ice cream? It was really weird.”
Taylor defended the choice to segregate the ice cream options based on color. His staff bought hundreds of tubs of Neapolitan and cut out the different flavors with a knife.
“It tastes better and lasts longer when the colors—sorry, flavors—don’t mix together,” Taylor said.
Taylor’s return to campus sparked criticisms both from the students and faculty. Students representatives from the Alliance for the Allying Allies (AAA) started Unity Fest Part Two: Electric
“Our event promises to unify the campus even more this time,” senior sociology major Holotta Whorror said. “We’re throwing a pizza party in response to Taylor’s weird ass ice cream social. Our goal is to show Taylor, and people like him, that we can’t be won over so easily with a half-hearted apology.”
Other students expressed concerns about the safety of this event.
“We just don’t trust the guy,” junior political science major and president of AAA Fila Dilla said. “I figured something was up when the flyer for the ice cream event had the tagline of ‘The Rocky Road is Paved with Good Intentions.’”
The tagline “Paved with Good Intentions” referenced one of Taylor’s books, the flyer seemingly made a quirky pun of the ice cream apology.
Dilla explained that a barbecue for students who do not like pizza was held concurrently with Unity Fest Part Two as a “show of support and solidarity” with people offended by Taylor’s presence and by the very existence of pizza.
“It’s insane that we’ve had to do this twice in a row.” Dilla said. “How many times do we have to teach you this lesson, old man?!”
One of the only students to attend Jared Taylor’s “I Scream Social” was left in critical condition after eating mislabeled ice cream. According to the paramedics, junior political science major Maxine Applebeef experienced anaphylactic shock after ingesting ice cream that was improperly labeled ‘lactose free.’
Applebeef consumed a ‘lactose free’ strawberry ice cream during the event. However, plates of chocolate and vanilla ice cream were also available, albeit separated from the strawberry.
“I thought since it was labeled ‘dairy free’ I was safe to eat it. Thank god I had my Epi-pen on me,” Applebeef said.
Sophomore nursing major Colin O’Skippy administered the Epi-pen and called 911 after spotting Applebeef struggle near Houston Hall.
“It’s nothing really, it just so happened that we covered what to do in this situation. I was just doing my future job,” O’Skippy said.
Applebeef arrived at the hospital in critical condition. Doctors now expect her to make a full recovery.
