WARNING! Due to a silly goose infiltration, this article is satirical in nature and should not be interpreted as factual.

The Kansas City Chiefs relocated to Grand Junction after their 4 year contract with Mark Eur expired. The new signer Pent Sol required that they spend the first six months of their signed deal in Grand Junction.

Sol blamed his son, Chiefs fan and CUM student Par Sol.

“I didn’t believe my dad when he first told me,” Par said, “He actually made the entire Chiefs team relocate here so that I could spend time watching them practice.” 

The influx of celebrities to Grand Junction drove tourist visitation as well, especially after Taylor Swift was spotted in a black Suburban driving west on 12th street.

The man who spotted Swift was driving East on 12th St, he swerved his car sharply into the left lane and caused a three-car pile-up, which included a silver Kia Forte carrying President John Marshall.

Marshall suffered a  stubbed toe on his right pinkie that kept him in Community Hospital for three days.

“Taylor Swift is the worst thing to ever happen to me,” Marshall said. “If it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t have missed my usual Monday office hours. I feel like I let everybody down.”

The man who caused the accident requested to be unnamed, although he stated:

“It was not my fault. If you saw Taylor Swift driving in Grand Junction it’d catch you off guard too.” 

There have been other accidents around the area said to be caused by the tremendous amount of traffic that Taylor Swift is generating.

Dr. Roberto Montoya also disagrees with Taylor Swift’s presence in Grand Junction.

“I used to listen to Taylor Swift sometimes in the car, although after all of the mayhem she’s causing, I’ve stopped,” Montoya said.

The Anti-Crite reached out to Taylor Swift for comments on what she thinks of all of this chaos that she is causing in Grand Junction. Swift’s team offered a short statement about the matter.

“The mania surrounding Ms. Swift and Mr. Kelce is not the fault of either individual. It is not their responsibility to direct or manage traffic in the town of Grand Junction, nor will they be leaving The Grand Valley anytime soon.”

The bad seems to outweigh the good as Taylor Swift begins her takeover of previously peaceful Grand Junction. Expect to see friendship bracelets littering the street and Swift’s private jet blocking your view of the Monument for the foreseeable future.