Fan attendance is up after men’s basketball reduced the inseam measurement on their uniform shorts. Head Coach Mike Dunlap said this new “thighs out” approach is both an intimidation and an agility improvement strategy.
“This is the first time I’ve ever worn shorts like this and I can’t believe how much more free I feel,” said senior forward Optimal Gooner.
When Gooner had a foul called on him for knocking down a player from Fort Lewis in their most recent game. Gooner tried to help the Skyhawk back up but he recoiled when confronted with Gooner’s pasty inner thigh. The ref tried to intervene but got a nosebleed after walking by the Mesa player’s bench and had to exit the game entirely.
Similar to the shorts worn by teams in the 1960s, a three-inch inseam is back at Mesa. Ticket sales are up after this decision and the student section has never been more full. Athletics started offering complimentary earplugs with tickets because the screams pushed up the decibels to unsafe levels.
Edith Poussay is a mechanical engineering sophomore and she wasn’t a fan of basketball before this change.
“This is better than Heated Rivalry,” Poussay said. “The best part is the friendly spanks the players share after they score a basket.”
Although the response has been mostly positive, some fans are skeptical of the change. Junior biology major Will Smith thinks the shorts distract from the athleticism.
“I don’t even know what balls to look at,” Smith said. “I watch basketball for the love of the game, not for fat cakes.”
The cheer leading squad is divided on the change, too. Squad member Chloe-Anne Nimbles said she has been disciplined three times for missing cheer cues during games.
“My coach is really frustrated at me about this but, like, it’s so difficult to look away when the Australian cheeks bounce by like a kangaroo.”
The shorter shorts cost slightly less than the previous shorts. Coach Dunlap said the switch is saving athletics $4.20 per player. This savings compounds with what he calls “priceless aura-maxsing.”
The savings compound with improvements for the team’s overall stats. Shorter shorts offer a wider range of hip and leg mobility for players. The Maverick’s average rebounds and assists per game has nearly doubled since they cut back their inseams.
The shorts are coming full circle in their lifecycle. Men’s basketball is number two in the RMAC and number four in Division II right now and they’re poised to make their first appearance in the DII championships since 1977.
It is unknown if women’s basketball will follow suit.
