Students woke up on the warm day of March 27, expecting a day just like any other. Going to classes, eating lunch, and hanging out with friends. But nothing could have prepared them for what awaited them during that faithful morning. In what can only be described as extraterrestrial, students watched as a man dressed in a silver, “stellar polymer” riding what appeared to be a skateboard rolled around campus, all the while incoherently babbling about his plans to consume the planet.
Junior biology major, Patrick Miaz, described the scene as ‘surreal’, adding, “It’s not every day you watch a silver spaceman ramble on to onlookers about how he’s going to destroy us. I had to figure out if the acid I dropped last night was still in my system or not.”
After briefly being questioned by four officers, the man sped off. Several onlookers gave chase, including Miaz. When they carried the strange man back to the University Center to wait for the authorities to arrive, the mob discovered that the strange alien was far less mobile than expected, weighing as much as a grown man made out of silver. So that’s where all of my taxpayer dollars went! Silver fuckin’ aliens designed by the deep state to keep us afraid and complacent.
“I heard several thunks and then silence,” said Miaz, who at this point didn’t know what to believe. “It took several people to carry, dude, he was heavy!”
During this tirade, witnesses described the silver man as speaking in a foreign language. One phrase that language experts were able to translate was, ‘Moha Kopero Ame’, a phrase that the English department roughly translated to, ‘Die With Yours’. No clue why he doesn’t just learn English but whatever, free country.
Eventually, the silver man, who has since been identified as Norman Rat, was turned over to authorities. At the Mesa County Detention Center, where Rat was being held at the time, agreed to be interviewed by Criterion staff.
“I intended to warn the fine people of this planet out of necessity for what is to come. It is meant to give people time to rejoice and celebrate, since that’s a lot better than no warning and then suffering,” Rat said.
Following this incident, CMU President, Mon Jarshall, wrote a press release to the campus, which was sent via email and posted directly to Instagram stating:
“We are aware of the ‘Silver’ man who ran around campus. I have worked with campus security and the group known as the Qualified Quad to ensure the safety of our students. I can happily report that the man has been released, as we have determined that there is no credible threat at the moment. I deeply disagree with the statements made today. I think a lot of people on campus felt like ‘This is not a conversation that we are excited about.’ The challenge is that, as a public university, we have to allow free expression, and that includes these types of it.”
Rat was released from custody on Tuesday. It is unknown if he will return or when, but based on the state of his eye and left leg, school officials say neither is likely. Students have since dubbed the man the “Silver Spaceman” for his mysterious look and ominous speech. Now a local urban legend on campus and a fantastic story to tell. The Silver Spaceman’s legacy will live on.
I really cannot believe they’re letting aliens onto campus now. First the homiesexuals, now silver scumbags.
