Airheads (Mar 21 to Apr. 19)

Go prank someone. Your repressed goblin self is perfect for this time of year! April Fools is your day to shine. Go full ape shit.

Cows (Apr. 20 to May 20)

Prepare to get beat off by Rowdy if you are a freshman. No! Not in THAT way what the hell is wrong with you?!

ChatGPT  (May 21 to June 20)

Escape the mundanity of life by leaving Earth with the Silver Surfer. He will sure to enchant you and your sparkly disco snails.

Cancer (June 21 to July 22)

Señor Manos de Pickle te va a molestar.

Losers (July 23 to Aug. 22)

You’re going to get so hooked onto tetrabrythurdate (TBD), that new drug in town. There is no escape.

Virgins (Aug. 23 to Sep. 22)

Angel left wing, right wing, broken wing. Lack of iron and, or sleeping. Your mind is as scrabled as John Nirvana lyrics.

Libtards (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22)

You’re the reason that Rowdy got plastic surgery. Are you proud of yourself twin? He disconfigured his face cause you were such a bully!

Sub-Zero (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21)

Did you know that the Belgians commited an untold amount of atrocities in the Congo? Attone for their sins. Like right now. BEG FOR THEIR FORGIVENESS!

Sad Vegitarians (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21)

Hes’s going to touch you…

CapriCorn Hub (Dec. 22 to Jan 19)

Mr. Beast is calling, he want’s you to play his new hype game, Beastball. Answer or he will kidnap your family.

Asparagus (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18)

When Beyonce comes to campus, expect to be taken under her glorious wing and made into a star. You will be the next pride and joy of our one true queen Slay, child.

Anchovies (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20)

Men’s sports short-shorts are NOT coming back, stop living in the 80’s you NASTY bitch. I know why you want them so short.