WARNING! Due to a silly goose infiltration, all articles in this edition are satirical in nature and should not be interpreted as factual.

Fight Club staged a contest with Rowdy on the Elm Avenue Quad last week. 30 of the club’s finest freshmen went fist-to-hoof against the beloved mascot to demonstrate CMU’s core value—power.

To earn better placement in the Res Life Housing lottery, 30 first year students volunteered as tributes.

The club’s vice president Rod Handling organized the event. The senior outdoor rec major said Secretary of War Pete Hegseth inspired the event. 

“We, as students, should absolutely be able to take down Rowdy. Although we love him, his peak male athletic form is the standard by which we should measure our own. Plus, I really want to grab the bull by his horn.”

President John Marshall sought advice from the school’s master debater and trustee, Jack Mehoff, to see if this event was a good idea to host. After heavy-handed deliberation, the school decided to allow the event.

“Power is one of our seven core values, though now I’m starting to regret picking that one,” Marshall said.

The beat-off started with a gentleman’s handshake between Rowdy and the 30 participants. Halfway through the cordial opening ceremony, Rowdy’s hoof dried out and a Wrangler had to dip it in a thick lubricant to ensure it wouldn’t split. The remaining participants’ hands were slimed.

The freshman circled Rowdy and Handling blew a whistle from the sidelines. All at once, they launched their eager bodies toward the Maverick and he braced for impact. They dog-piled on top of Rowdy like that scene from Game of Thrones in the “Battle of the Bastards” episode where Jon Snow was almost buried alive. 

“It was, like, so scary for a second there,” junior sociology major Hannah Madhatter said of her experience in the audience.

For nearly a minute, all that could be heard in the Elm Quad was the grunt and squelch of 30 sweaty freshmen attempting to pound Rowdy. Their Maverick Spirit was laid bare on the lawn.

A flash of light burst through the dome of the beat-off cuddle puddle and Rowdy jumped up into the air. This maneuver took out at least half of the participants. Nursing students rushed to pull their bodies to the side of the arena and started any necessary treatments.

Freshman accounting major Kyle Sittenhouse lost a few teeth from this blow but held high spirits.

“I now know the true meaning of manliness. The blow to my mouth may have cost me a tooth or two, but I feel so alive,” Sittenhouse said.

The last freshman standing after Rowdy mowed the other 14 boys down was mathematics major Teddy Quadratic. Covered in grass stains and a few blood splatters, he let out a battlecry and charged. 

Rowdy stuck out his arm and hit Quadratic with a clothesline. This definitively ended the beat-off and Rowdy walked away as victor.

Handling hopes next year’s beat-off is even girthier.

“Considering how quickly he beat all those freshmen off, we think he could do even more,” Handling said. “We’re committed to pumping ourselves up to get like Rowdy.”