WARNING! Due to a silly goose infiltration, this article is satirical in nature and should not be interpreted as factual.
Professors at CUM computer science are incorporating TikTok-style videos into their curriculum to hold student’s attention. The decision was made last semester in response to declining test scores and lecture attendance. The professors were asked to brainstorm ideas on how to increase student’s focus during lectures.
“We realized that students just weren’t paying attention anymore,” says professor of computer science Jimmy Page. “We knew we needed to find more enticing ways to keep students engaged during lectures. We decided to play Minecraft parkour videos during our class, and it’s been really effective so far.”
Professors have started putting their lectures in split screen mode on the classroom projector while they teach. Alongside the slides, an irrelevant video to the lecture will play so students have something else to stimulate them while they should be paying attention.
“Students have always had a resistance to sitting through class,” said associate professor of math David Gilmour. “It’s a tale as old as time, honestly. We realized [academia] needed to catch up and get with the times. Modern problems require modern solutions.”
Gilmour was one of the first professors at CUM on board with the new curriculum.
“I noticed an immediate positive response from the class when I put on Subway Surfers. They stopped fidgeting almost instantly, and gave me their undivided focus.” said Gilmour. “It’s been great. Students can get through an entire class-period and sit still finally.”
Not all classes at CUM will feature this split-screen style of “stimulation-focused” teaching. Only freshman level classes are currently being enrolled in the experimental curriculum.
“We plan to only include the Split-Screen curriculum in lower-division classes at first,” says schoolmaster Roger Waters. “Listen, I’ll level with you. When we heard about all that “6-7” meme nonsense, we knew we were in for a rough decade. Our only hope is that AI radically changes the structure of school so that we don’t need no education.”
“I thought maybe we should give out free vapes to people who show up,” says associate professor of business Jimmy Hendricks. “This is a much better idea. Plus, we couldn’t get a Juul sponsorship anyway. My freshman business class attendance has never been this good.”
CUM has been trying out different types of content to show alongside lectures. Subway Surfers, Mr. Beast videos and Sigma Male edits have all found their way into the cirriculum.
“I enjoyed it at first,” said local twink and freshman basket-weaving major Jason Euler. “But then when I saw Jones from Fortnite hitting the griddy during history lecture about the holocaust, it got old a bit fast.”
“Personally, I’m all for it,” said junior arm wrestling major, Glenn Adultman “My attention span is shot from smoking weed and zoning out on TikTok for hours. 6-7!”
When asked about the potential long term effects of showing students brainrot alongside their lectures, Waters said “AI will probably make most of us irrelevant, anyway. Who cares?”
