WARNING! Due to a silly goose infiltration, this article is satirical in nature and should not be interpreted as factual.
Viticulture and oenology student, Jesus Christ, recently walked the stage at graduation. President John Marshall granted CUM’s holiest student an honorary Ph.D. in theology on account of the multi-billion-follower religion named after him called Christianity.
“Honestly, I’m just glad to get out of here,” Christ said. “All this dry-campus crap almost had me expelled. I had three violations because of that asshole residence assistant, Terrance,” Christ said. “You’re telling me I can’t even enjoy the wine I create with my divine providence? Humans got way more stuck up since the last time I was here.”
Christ’s anti-prohibition policy stirred up controversy as he allowed underage students to sample his products from class. Director of Student Services Ponthus Pirate Jr. expressed displeasure with Christ’s presence on campus.
“He just doesn’t understand human culture anymore. Back in his day, you’d be drinking wine like water from age 13,” Pirate said. “After all, 13 was half the life expectancy back then.”
Christ was popular among the student body. He turned students’ water bottles into wine mid-class and offered free foot massages in the University Center every week. Christ did not maintain the same reputation among faculty and struggled in some of his classes.
“In Intro to Grape-Squeezing, he just wouldn’t stop eating the grapes. Every time I told him to stop, he would turn five grapes into five thousand. They would rapidly multiply, falling off the desk in every direction,” professor of alcoholism Drinka Bier said.
Christ nearly failed Advanced Prison Hooch according to Bier and struggled on the midterm project where the class made their own prison wine.
“He seemed much more interested in healing inmates suffering from the recent Chlamydia outbreak than he did getting down and dirty making bootleg moonshine,” Bier said.
Christ hosted a monthly Q&A where he answered student questions about anything and everything.
Freshman history major Muad Dib asked: “Was everything in Genesis literally true?”
Christ responded with: “No, it was more of a metaphor of how things developed. God underestimated how gullible you lot are. The true origin of humanity can be found in stoned ape theory, which is totally true. The first conscious humans were just apes who managed to consume 87 grams of magic mushrooms in under an hour. They were named Adam and Eve in real life, though,”
Students already miss Christ following graduation as he begins this a new chapter of his eternal existence. Christ voiced his displeasure with CUM administration’s alcohol policy one last time before leaving and resurrected former United States Secretary of State, Henry Kissinger, to serve as the new Vice President of Human Relations.
“If you’re gonna make me give up drinking, then you’re gonna have to give up a pleasant workplace atmosphere. Get ready for every decision he disagrees with to be met with a big napalm strike,” Christ said.
When asked about his future plans, Christ reported feeling quite ambivalent and expressed a desire to just go with the flow.
“I think I’ll head down to Medellin, Columbia for a while,” Christ said. “I’m overdue for a proper party, and I hear that white powder’s really out of this world. Anything to feel something again, man. I got so much time.”
