WARNING! Due to a silly goose infiltration, this article is satirical in nature and should not be interpreted as factual.
Recent beef between CMU President, John Marshall, and the Cyber Security Club moved from beyond campus spaces and onto the internet. Marshall personally blocked the Cyber Security Club from hosting an ethical hacking workshop on Presence and members of the club retaliated last week by redirecting all internet searches made of John Marshall on CMU’s computers to instead show pornographic images of Pokémon.
The Cyber Security Club banded together to send a message that could not be ignored. They used their hacking prowess as a last ditch protest to make their mistreatment common knowledge.
This is not the first time that Marshall has harassed the Cyber Security Club. According to sophomore cyber security major Shel Grant, many of their events were previously blocked due to fears of the group becoming too powerful and “overthrow the CMU regime with their ‘technology fingers.’”
“You mess with the computer nerds, you get turned into porn. I’m not sure what’s so hard to understand about that,” Shel said. “At first, we had no plans to overthrow the president. After this? Now we’re actually kind of considering it.”
Students report viewing Marshall’s reputation as tarnished, with graphic images of Vaporeon boobies appearing in place of his face. Students vocalized mixed feelings across campus, with some finding this prank hilarious and others being outraged.
“It really isn’t appropriate,” sophomore accounting major Anita Cash said. “All I wanted was to find an image of John Marshall to make a printed bust of him to worship at my altar. All I got was Pikachu in a skimpy bikini.”
Marshall claims that this conflict with the Cyber Security Club will be handled once and for all, if CMU’s IT Help Desk can figure out how the campus computers actually work. Marshall hopes to no longer be associated with rule 34 pin-ups and although he expressed favor for one Pokémon.
“This will be dealt with swiftly. Not going to lie though, Mr. Mime is doing something to my loins,” Marshall said.
