President of Colorado Mesa University (CMU) John Marshall sent shockwaves throughout campus when he announced his resignation on April 1. Effective immediately, Marshall has skipped town and become the shortest-serving university President in CMU’s history.
While Marshall hosted a mandatory assembly to announce his resignation, he refused to explain his decision.
“Honestly, I’m tired. I just don’t want to do this anymore,” Marshall said at the assembly. “I should have listened to my father and gotten a job at the quarry.”
This announcement came as a shock to many, especially considering his long-term employment at CMU. Consequently, countless rumors have been spread among students.
“Lots of people are saying he just got bored, or that he might be sick,” Keef Seely said. “I know why though. It’s because he couldn’t get the mascot changed like he wanted to.”
Indeed, there has long been talks that Marshall sought to dethrone Rowdy, and replace him with a new mascot, The Mesa Marshall.
“[Marshall] kept trying to convince me how much better he would be as a mascot,” former Rowdy performer Randy Others said. “It got really awkward.”
The Anti-Crite was unable to find or obtain any official documents or blueprints. However, one custodian noted Marshall left piles of “fan art” of himself in his former office.
Before Marshall sped off from campus, a reporter asked for a comment on these rumors.
“Why don’t you ask that bed-wetter, Rowdy? Kick rocks!” Marshall said.
