Colorado Mesa University (CMU) has a new superstar on campus: Jesus Christ. Christ chose to come to our humble campus to get his associate’s degree in viticulture and enology.
“I felt that after 2,000 years, it was time to further my education and get a degree,” said Christ. “CMU seemed the perfect place to do it.”
Christ said he chose to come to CMU because of the “Success Starts with Heart” Youtube ad campaign.
“I have always followed my heart. I saw the ad while I was watching Veggie Tales and it was so inspiring, I knew I had to get off the cross and get an education,” said Christ.
Christ says he didn’t want to attend a Christian-affiliated school because he wanted to step out of his father’s shadow.
“I just feel like if I stay in the family business, I’ll always be in my Dad’s shadow and I’ll never really get to make something of myself,” said Christ. “Grand Junction seemed like the last place he’d ever be, so that was another reason I chose CMU.”
Christ chose the viticulture and enology program because wine has always been his passion.
“My mom wishes I was doing something practical, like carpentry, but wine has always been where my heart is. I breathe and bleed wine,” said Christ.
Since his arrival, Christ has been making waves in the viticulture program.
“They let me skip Wine 101, because let’s be honest, look at me,” said Christ.
Not all students are happy with this exception though.
“It’s not fair that he gets to skip the basic classes,” said fellow viticulture student Judas Le Traitor. “Just because you can turn water into wine doesn’t mean you know everything. Everyone should have to learn the fundamentals. Having divine power is not a substitute for essential learning requirements!!”
Le Traitor said that he was taking the matter up the ladder to viticulture Dean Roman Stabbsalot.
“He won’t get away this!” said Le Traitor. “I’ll be his downfall if its the last thing I do.”
Christ has also caused a stir among students, as he frequently offers hefty samples of his homework in the plaza during the day. Multiple professors have reported students arriving to class drunk.
President John Marshall explained to Christ that CMU has a dry campus policy, but Christ remains undeterred. Students report that Christ does not card underage students, adding to his popularity.
“I’m a divine being,” said Christ. “Liquor laws and campus policy don’t apply to me.”
Students and faculty had mixed reactions to sharing a classroom with the prevalent figure.
“I get that he’s a big deal, but I’m not sure he should be here. Did he even graduate high school?” said student Helen Satanik. “He always sits at the front of the room and I can’t see the board through his angelic glow.”
Other students are excited to share a campus with him.
“I had a cold so bad, man, and he totally cured me,” said student Tru Believer. “I was stuffed up like a fire hose. I stumbled into my World Religions class like a dying man. I sneezed during the lecture and the guy next to me said ‘bless you’. I couldn’t tell who it was because of the glow, which I guess should have tipped me off. Jesus, man. Better than Nyquil.”
Christ is excited to begin his college educatiion and try out for the swim team to help them win the NCAA championship with his water walking abilities.
