Controversy shook the NBA last March, following the decision to raise the hoops from 10 to 12 feet. Due to the recent influx of players standing above 8 feet tall, the NBA seeks to make dunking a more impressive accomplishment.
Players and fans responded with mixed feelings, with some expressing outrage at the organization and some celebrating the decision as long overdue.
“I’ve never been angrier in my entire life,” 5’10 Lakers rookie Bevin Gurant said. “I finally, FINALLY got to the point where I can touch the rim, and now they do this? I’ll never be able to dunk!”
Short kings from across the NBA echoed a similar sentiment.
“Do you know how humiliating it is to jump for the rim every practice, trying desperately to dunk, only to have them raise the heights because of these freak giants? Its like dangling a treat in front of a dog while he barks and begs, then lifting it out of his reach at the last second,” 6’0 Celtics point guard Tyler “Ninja” Blevins said.
CUM players need not worry. The NCAA DII regulations are not set to change at this point. In a press release from the organization they wrote “it’s not like those players are going to the NBA anyways.”
On the other hand, fans from across the country have celebrated the recent decision as a long-overdue way to spice up the competition.
“I’m thrilled they have to jump higher to reach the hoop. When they barely have to leave the ground to dunk, nothing moves when they land. If they have to jump as high as they physically can, their little booties jiggle when they come down, and it’s just so gosh darn cute,” Senior data analyst with Blackrock and longtime Warriors fan Alicia Keys said.
“I just like seeing the little and medium-sized ones struggle. It’s really satisfying to see short rookies have their lifelong dreams of dunking in an NBA game ripped from them right at the point they were about to achieve it,” 7’11 DC area preschool teacher Henry Glissinger said. “I hate short people,”
Three days after their decision was announced, the National Basketball Players Association announced a walkout in protest, and on Tuesday players abandoned the court mid-game.
They attempted to create a picket line around their stadiums to bar fans from entering, before realizing that no one wanted to enter if they weren’t playing anyway.
Players subsequently returned to their homes before forgetting what happened the following morning, and games resumed as usual on Wednesday.
“I think we demonstrated that we won’t accept this kind of unpopular unilateral action that hurts players, at least until the sun comes up and we can all get a good breakfast and calm down,” NBA president Bigg Hooper said.
This week of NBA politics has been one for the history books, provided someone remembers to write it down. Players and fans are adjusting to the new rule, and new technique drills have already been rolled out for NBA practices.
