For Sale:
RATS! RATS! RATS! Never run out! Buy a dozen get six free! Call 555-7287
Parking Spot Near Campus – $50 per month. Two minute walk to Houston, we will also kiss you. Call 555-7667
$700 – 20 uncrusted vapes that I found in between my dorm bed and the wall. Variety of brands, including Juul. Unknown juice volume, but likely very full because I had ADHD. Call 555-1234
2 grams of tetrabrythurdate (TBD). I can guarantee the least sketchy sale possible. Get ur fix today, mommy. Call for pricing. 666-1111
2001 Honda Disappointment. 4-cyl, manual transmission, shakes violently in park. Baby shit green. Cracked windshield. Great gas mileage. $100. Call 000-0000
For Rent: Closet under the stairs. Amenities: fake aunt and uncle who will amke you feel genetically inferior to their biological offspring. Furniture not included. $800/month, wifi not included. Contact [email protected]
For Sale: genuine iron lung from 1931. Fully operational. Only haunted by the souls of five kids who died of polio. Very handy to have on hand for the impending polio epidemic. $2500. DM on Facebook Marketplace @ poliopervert
For Sale: “Fundamental Sit-and-Spin Techniques and Dynamics Sixth Ed”. Required for KINA 333. Good condition. $50. 152-785-4895
Free battering ram. Originally used in WWI. Bloodstains still present. Smells of defeat. Great as a conversation starter at parties or for embracing your Wednesday Addams era.
Free sister. 3 months old. Very stinky and loud. Will steal your jelly beans. Come and get her, need gone ASAP. Please contact Little Sally at 523 Lip Gloss Lane.
For Sale: used toilet paper. Urine, fecal and bloody variety available. Many colors and scents. Sold by the roll. Freshness guaranteed. Call Crazy Larry, 852-753-4512. $1-100.
Seeking:
VP of Student Services Dr. Roberto Montoya seeks information about a counterfeit Paleta Cart that’s appeared on campus a few times. He said: “I WILL find you.” Call the Student Services Office with information.
RATS! I need more rats! I keep running out!! Call 555-7287
The approval of a loving father I never had. Must know how to teach fly fishing and football catching. Must say “I’m proud of you” at least once per week and call me to ask me how my day is. Please help me. I have a void in my heart. Call 555-9879
Seeking 31 strong supple males for the next beat-off with Rowdy. Submit hea and body shots to [email protected]
Tutor for Advanced Prison Hootch making. Pristine 1970s mint green toilet provided. Needs to have a 4.00 GPA in wine-making. You get to keep whatever you make Contact 456-789-4530.
Wanted: Imaginary friend. Preferred qualities are kind, good-listener, killer at secret handshakes and strong hatred of Barbara from next door. Must hate my dad. Please whisper resume and cover letter in my ear while sleeping. My address is 666 Mav Ave Apt 69.
SEEKING: WATERMELON-Y ASSAULTER. I know one of you has been leaving watermelons on my porch and I am sick of it. I HATE watermelon. If you have any information, please contact Karen at 982-785-1258. Please come retrieve your sorry excuse for a fruit.
Seeking a silly goose. My life is kinda boring and I think a silly goose would add some zest. Plenty of opportunities to hiss at people and defacate on many surfaces. Pays in bags of frozen peas. Actual geese only, humans need not apply. Contact Brenda Ovaries at 741-425-7894
Seeking a new, unheard of water bottle. I’m tired of all of these mainstream trendy water bottles! No Stanley cups. contact: [email protected]
Employment:
Position: Dommy Mommy. Pays up to $10,000 per month.
Description: Parade your good boy through town and praise him with headpats. Must be willing to let me show you my Minecraft Redstone farms.
Requirements: Must be busty and comfortable with a variety of leash lengths, latex types, and plug sizes. Bring your own chocolate milk mix.
Position: Intra-rectal fumus resuscitation. Pays by the blow. Max of 25 per day.
Description: Are you a passionate individual that wants to revive Victorian resuscitation techniques with tobacco enemas?
Requirements: Must be comfortable with buttholes. Must be willing to smoke. Vaccinated for Cholera
Position: Doppleganger to take my Advanced Quantum Mechanics of Lying exam. Pays $5/correct question
Description: Take my 50 question oral exam over influencing sub-atomic particles to enhance manipulation. For Professor Ant-Man’s class.
Requirements: Must look like me a 4’11” quadriped with brown brown, large muzzle, buck-teeth, love of waffles and over-inflated sense of charisma. No previous experience in quantum mechanics required.
Position: Professional Problem. $8,008,135.
Description: Torment my neighbor Karen until she moves out. All techniques are on the table, I want her gone!
Requirements: Must have 5 years experience in the field. Three professional references. Strong screaming voice encouraged.
Position: Garden Gnome. Pays minimum wage.
Description: Guard my garden from witches’ spells and wood trolls.
Requirements: Owns fake beard, lederhosen and tall pointy cap. Must be able to stand very still for up to 8 hours. Benefits: Father’s begruding approval.
Position: Fake Date for Spring concert. $50/hr
Description: My friends make fun of me for not having a date, I need someone to go with me to the Spring concert. I am desperate. Any and all genders apply.
Requirements: Rated 10/10 by a dude-bro at some point in their life, good at giving pep talks, ability to make my friends jealous.
Position: Lunch Lady at GJHS. $22/hour plus benefits
Requirements: Must love sloppy joes and making children feel uncomfortable with your bad jokes. No culinary experience necessary.
