Dear Hopeless Romantic,

The best way to attract a man is to understand them down to their very essence. Men are like birds. They like shiny things, treats and activities such as screaming into fans because it makes a funny noise. Men are simple birds. If you want to draw one in, you must, also, become a bird.

One thing you could do is bring them little trinkets from around the area. That shiny gum wrapper? Nope. That’s a trinket. The shiner the better. A stick that vaguely looks like a penis? Nope. Also a trinket. The more phallic the better.

Another full proof way to attract the bird of your dreams is to enact a mating ritual. Square up like a goblin with chafed, yeasty thighs, squawk at them and do a little dance. If they are your one true boo, they will certainly do it back. Wear bold and brash colors and snazzy outfits to draw them in. But only specific colors, since quite a few are color blind, blues and yellows would work the best. Or you could just dress as the Lorax, men love the Lorax.

Remember, bird behaviors brings in the boo’s!