Aries 3/21 – 4/19
During the next new moon, take a deep breath and scream into the reflection of your howling face as it mirrors off that big ball of swiss cheese. Exit Aries season with no dignity in tact.
Taurus 4/20 – 5/20
Your heart is full as the start of Taurus season provides additional excuses for you not to leave your home. Binge your comfort show, drink glittery mocktails while reading your favorite smut novella. It’s time to lean into the stereotypes.
Gemini 5/21 – 6/20
Take a step back and hop into a line dance led by a perky old lady named Martha. She’ll provide the instructions for you to swing that partner round and round until you both vomit on the dancefloor.
Cancer 6/21 – 7/22
The upcoming new moon has you feeling extra sensitive about your closest friendships. Everything is totally fine, but your gut is telling you that everbody hates you and the horse you rode in on.
Leo 7/23 – 8/22
The precipice of summer has you dying to bust out your bikini collection. Enlist the help of a Virgo friend to show you how to categorize your swimsuits by hotness so you can ease the needy public into “Hot Girl Summer.”
Virgo 8/23 – 9/22
Mushroom picking in the spring on the Grand Mesa is a great way to train your already detail-oriented eye to hone in on the subtle differences between an edible shroom and a dead-ible shroom.
Libra 9/23 – 10/22
The end of the semester has been too busy to focus on the truly important things in life – cross-referencing your gossip sources to ensure accuracy and fill in plot holes. Try to incorporate this into your schoolwork so you don’t fall behind for summer.
Scorpio 10/23 – 11/21
Peter Piper played his pipe for an entranced audience of rats and nobody has ever been able to top that level of admirable absurdity. This high standard is aspirational and a great source of motivation.
Sagittarius 11/22 – 12/21
Avoid centipedes and seek out spiders. The seductive smell of bacon makes centipedes too alluring and they can’t be trusted. Spiders will always let you know where you stand so they’re easier to trust. Don’t touch, but listen.
Capricorn 12/22 – 1/19
Things really got confusing in life when the Fast & Furious franchise incorporated submarines into the storyline. Worlds were upended and now you’re questioning if it really all about family.
Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18
The recurring nightmares about the Muppets have really desensitized your sleeping habits. The hat man and slender man are now just buddies you share cooking recipes with during your slumber.
Pisces 2/18 – 3/20
Hornswaggle a child out of their lollipop in front of a candy store with a game of cards. This ethnographic study in power dynamics will leave the child flabbergasted and you with a new piece of candy.
