IHATE Twilight. HATE IT. Yet, I have found myself knowing way too much about it than I would care to admit. As such, here are my ratings for the movies.
TWILIGHT
3/10
I hate this film with a burning passion. None of it makes sense. Bella Swan is such a bland and depthless character it HURTS. Every move she makes, every breath she takes, every time she sensually bites her lip or pseudo orgasms, I want to gouge my eyes out. And don’t even get me started on Edward. Realistically, how would you feel if some creepy, cold, glittery 104 year old incel climbed up to your second story window to watch you sleep and sniff your essence at night? The acting is atrocious and the logic is even worse.
New Moon 5/10
Arguably, this is the best one of the series, solely because Edward CEASES TO EXIST FOR MOST OF THE FILM. This one genuinely had the potential to be such a sweet movie. Bella overcomes the big break up with the creepy and neglectful sweet-home-Alabama-looking essence fiend and gets with someone who isn’t a literal corpse, but NOOO. She just HAD to go back to the cold, dead embrace of a walking nightmare. Sure, Jacob is also full of red flags, but NOTHINGcompares to Edward. Bella and Jacob actually had chemistry, and that unsalted potato of a human being threw it out because she’s got her panties in a twist for cold, sparkly vampire peen.
ECLIPSE
2/10
This movie felt like nothing and too much happened all at once. It was like watching a fish out of water slowly flop towards the lake to save itself, only to realize that it wasn’t a lake, it was a mirage and the fish was actually you. How does this pick-me keep getting buff and hot supernatural bros into dick measuring competitions for her affections? She’s back with Edward, shocker, but is actively flirting with Jacob too?! Every scene is violently encouraging her not to become a vampire, yet she keeps walking back blindly without any regard for others. I have come to realize that Bella is what’s wrong the entire time.
