Question: I have been in a three year relationship with this boy. I am about to graduate, and he goes to a different college (transferred about a year and a half ago, hes a year behind me), and long distance is hard. He gets upset whenever I go out with friends, even if I do not go out for very long. He gets upset with me a lot and I do what I can to talk it out with him, but it barely lasts. His family is not very good to him and they dislike me quite a lot. I know he loves me, and I know he does not want to break up. I feel as though he might be staying with me out of pride and not wanting his family to be smug about it. I don’t feel like our relationship will work out very well at this point, but I am scared I will just prove his family right by breaking up with him. What do I do?
Dear Putting on a Show,
What I’m hearing is that you’re dealing with the burden of someone else’s expectations and desires while completely disregarding your own. While falling on the sword gets you pretty far in fuedal Japan, in relationships, you’ll just get taken for granted. It seems like this boy you’re with cares more about pleasing his family than about pleasing you. Now you guys have been putting on airs for so long that you’ve internalized this too! Take a step back and ask yourself what you want out of the relationship; are you getting it? Do you feel treasured, loved, appreciated, respected? If not, then it’s definitely time to cut the ties. Furthermore, any partner that gets upset with you for having a life outside of the relationship is seriously insecure and couldn’t possibly love you, because they don’t love themselves. I think you should prove his family right and let him know that you are not some object to be dangled as a point of pride for someone. Nothing here seems to be on your terms and when love is conditional, you’re right, it won’t last. It will hurt a little at first, but the sweet sense of relief from these exterior pressures will ease the pain. Love yourself first.
