Aries 3/21 – 4/19

The idea of being a chameleon that can blend into every situation is nice, but is way more work than it’s worth. Stay true to yourself, especially during the next full moon and you’ll be drowning in Cosmic Brownies.

Taurus 4/20 – 5/20

Flip a flapjack or two into the mouths of your closest friends after a night of Gilmore Girls reruns. The slumber party is the perfect time to bond and nobody will get mad at you for retiring early or kicking them out at 11 a.m. sharp the next day.

Gemini 5/21 – 6/20

Let weariness float away from your focus as the new moon fills you with hope about the future. Take life by the horns and somersault head first into a kiddie pool of vanilla pudding.

Cancer 6/21 – 7/22

You’ve been spending a lot of time wondering whatever happened to passing notes in class. Bring back the long-lost activity by complimenting someone you sit next to in class. They’ll feel awesome because of you.

Leo 7/23 – 8/22

Sharpen your metaphorical claws and your physical ones by critiquing the fashion of Total Drama Island with your nail tech. The stiletto nail shape will match the sharpness of your insults.

Virgo 8/23 – 9/22

You’ve been more prickly than usual, which is saying a lot. Soak in a vat of vasoline and let those edges soften. Porcupines only blast in moments of self-defense and you’ve been on high alert too long.

Libra 9/23 – 10/22

Book some time for yourself at a high-tea event. It will give you the perfect setting to practice the subtlest forms of gossip. The mini cucumber sandwiches and hot cup of oolong are nothing compared to the tea you’re about to spill.

Scorpio 10/23 – 11/21

Harness your psychic powers during the next full moon and use them to read the minds of a squirrel at the park. You’ll be able uncover where they’ve hidden their nuts for the winter and thwart their plans for world domination.

Sagittarius 11/22 – 12/21

You’re the reason “loose lips sink ships” exist. Put those skills to use by setting up a kissing booth next to the Girl Scouts in front of City Market. Donate all the money to your new car fund and make those little girls cry!

Capricorn 12/22 – 1/19

Carve out a little time to get a massage during the new moon. You’ve been clenching your jaw too much when people raise their hands in class but don’t actually contribute anything to the conversation.

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

Chain yourself to a tree to save it from a gentrifying family of termites. They want to destroy the neighborhood by raising the cost of living and bringing useless stores to the area like Jamba Juice or Orange Theory.

Pisces 2/18 – 3/20

Float through air and move silently during the next full moon. The people around you will try to pull you out of the air but knowing you’re the most ethereal being to walk the planet will keep you afloat.