Aries 3/21 – 4/19
The smell of love in air is making you woozy. It’s intoxicating in the best and worst ways. Salsa your way into someones heart with a bouquet of salamanders and tickets to a local crust punk show.
Taurus 4/20 – 5/20
The enchanted forest in your mind is hibernating for the winter. The whir of activity that’s normally there is quiet. It’s probably why you failed that chemistry test. Who can memorize periodic elements or atomic mass when there’s snow angels to be made!?
Gemini 5/21 – 6/20
Put out your finest red solo cups, borrow a curated playlist from a Pisces friend, and get jiggy with your comrades. Rent a bump-n-jump and a karaoke machine for added class.
Cancer 6/21 – 7/22
Making 300 personalized Valentines for every single classmate was a true labor of love. Not receiving a single one in return was your villain origin story. You won’t do anything about it, but now you’re a villain.
Leo 7/23 – 8/22
The 65th Grammy’s has taken yourspring/summer fashion endeavors to new heights. Beyonce’s platinum bust-down was more iconic than Bianca Censori’s pathetic attempt at audacity.
Virgo 8/23 – 9/22
Go through the contacts in your phone during the next full moon and delete every person’s number that’s ever hiccupped too loudly in your presence. Make sure to log it in your journal to reference later.
Libra 9/23 – 10/22
Getting sloppy with gossip is unacceptable. Delicately dance through discussions by exercising that distinct diplomacy. Gossip is a form of self-preservation but with great power comes great responsibility.
Scorpio 10/23 – 11/21
When was the last time you and your sleep paralysis demon caught up? You’ve been so sick and all the Benadryl means giving more of your attention to the Hat Man. Check in with your demon and make sure he knows he’s loved.
Sagittarius 11/22 – 12/21
The crooked fender on your 1996 Subaru Outback you’ve been driving since junior year of high school gives it a certain “je na sais quois.” People that think you’re a bad driver they don’t know that the concrete pole came out of nowhere!
Capricorn 12/22 – 1/19
The next full moon will the a prime opportunity to recharge your superiority complex. Lay out under the moonbeams and practice phrases like “wow, you’re never gonna buy property with that credit score.”
Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18
It’s time to make plans for spring. Think about taking a pasta-making class or selling your bobble head collection to invest in a less-than-seaworthy vessel. Cover the holes in gorilla tape and set sail for spring.
Pisces 2/18 – 3/20
Look into a penpal program to make new faraway friends. They’re the best kind of friends because you’ll never have to meaningfully interact with them and they have no choice but to accept your bi-monthly poetry zine.
