Aries 3/21 – 4/19

Tread lightly when engaging with stupid people over the next month. Aries’ fire has a way of martyring their victim with their exacting, pointed critiques. Instead, win the situation by pretending to have bubble guts and becoming the real victim.

Taurus 4/20 – 5/20

Make sure all upcoming naps taken are of the highest quality. Close the blinds, turn on “Do Not Disturb” and softly play your favorite Grateful Dead Live Set – Cornell May 8, 1977. Comfort equals power.

Gemini 5/21 – 6/20

Don’t get swept up in others’ drama. Instead, sweep up an adoring audience with lighthearted jokes and flirtatious ribbing. Who cares if the audience is a collection of houseplants at Lowe’s or a flock of pigeons on Main Street?

Cancer 6/21 – 7/22

Get out from under that emotional rock by turning vulnerabilities into superpowers. Over the next month, redirect those feelings by screaming into a pillow before and after all social engagements. Become unstoppable.

Leo 7/23 – 8/22

Leaving Leo season doesn’t mean the universe is any less centered around them. Heliocentric? More like He-LEO-centric! Take the next month to reflect on the dazzling perfection through interpretive floral arranging.

Virgo 8/23 – 9/22

During Virgo season, the phrase stops being “know-it-all” and becomes “prodigious genius.” Peers will be extra ravenous for input and validation. Pass them along with prudent judgment because ultimately, everybody else is a letdown.

Libra 9/23 – 10/22

Take time away from modeling for the figures drawing class to brainstorm the most perfect group Halloween costume. Weigh the pros and cons early then let someone else decide so there’s enough time to actually execute the plan.

Scorpio 10/23 – 11/21

Over the next month, especially on the New Moon, take time to manifest any lifelong ambitions related to telekinesis, telepathy and teleportation. With these new powers, levels of mystic secrecy will reach unthinkable heights.

Sagittarius 11/22 – 12/21

Have a backup plan ready to go for when the first event on the calendar ends up being boring, but make sure to invite everybody with you. It doesn’t feel good to be left out but nothing’s worse than when a party is a flop.

Capricorn 12/22 – 1/19

However impractical it may be, attempts to find a romantic connection could prove to be helpful during the next month. A power couple is just that-powerful. Pool resources, brainstorm actionable ideas, declutter-the possibilities are endless!

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

It’s time to be free of the constraints associated with gravity. All it does is weigh down the potential of life without consent. Get a pair of moon shoes, study trapeze or find a friend with a trampoline!

Pisces 2/18 – 3/20

Take the plunge and send that special someone the playlist that’s had so much blood, sweat and tears poured into it. They’re gonna love it and be impressed that Ethel Caine and Die Antwoord actually totally make sense together.