Sodexo is our lord and savior. Just like Jesus, they provide food, water and ice cream. 

Some people on this campus believe that Sodexo is power hungry because they charge over $200 dollars for catering water. That may be true, but it’s still a blessed capitalist company that serves over 300 colleges and prisons in the United States. 

Those who choose to not quench their appetite at one of the many Sodexo locations on campus are crazy. There’s so many options, including the Caf, Flat Top Grill and my favorite, What The Mav. 

I absolutely love the chicken from the Caf. They always make it medium rare like chicken should be served!

My favorite time of day in the Caf is that amazing period between lunch and dinner. I like to call it snack hour because they only serve sandwiches, salad, pizza and the same burgers from the grill. 

The limited options make it a lot easier to choose. Especially with late night classes starting at 5 p.m., I love that I don’t get dinner. That’s my fault for choosing to have a late class that is only offered at that time. 

You may be wondering why I didn’t list any of the other places on campus to eat. That’s because they are unholy mimics that only hope to rise to the greatness of Sodexo’s superior power. Fakes, frauds, a hypocrisy of corporate greed that Sodexo takes pity (and money) from, as they should. 

They, as the kind messiah of the buffet food world, allow these corporate companies to use their clout to gain strength under the preachings of Sodexo. 

The Sodexo lords grew angry because of the food trucks allowed on campus, so they decided to only allow two meal transfer swipes a day. This is our penance for not eating Sodexo food all the time. Allowing the un-pure food trucks and clubs to sell non-Sodexo food was a grave mistake.

I would never eat any other food but as such we as a flock must atone for this sin together, praising the Sodexo Lord to win back their favor and allow us to have three chances to eat their food at not just the Caf but What the Mav and Flat Top Grill. 

Now speaking of What the Mav, they are the absolute best. What an underdog story, going from a pasta bar, to a rotating menu, back to a pasta bar. 

Last year, What the Mav tried a student request system where students could request a certain meal to be served that month. My favorite request was the baked potato bar. After some harsh feedback from the skeptics and agnostics Sodexo changed it back to a pasta bar. Pro tip: the crunchy layer of still sitting pasta sauce is the best part to pair perfectly with the lukewarm pasta. 

Now for those who dare disrespect our lord and culinary savior Sodexo, I ask that they be served due justice of death by food poisoning, obviously not from the Sodexo food because that has never happened. Another non-lethal tactic is to arrest those who dare choose to judge Sodexo or dare to eat non-Sodexo food on our holy campus. 

Please heed the warning from a lowly devout follower, please never eat non-Sodexo food on campus, as you will sin in their great temple of culinary holiness. So next time you bring Jimmy Johns on to campus, be prepared to face the penance as a sinner against the great Sodexo.