Have you ever found yourself reading The Criterion’s outstanding sports section and said to yourself, “This school simply does not have enough sports teams!” Well, great news Mavs, alongside the five other new sports we’ve so graciously decided to add to our roster, we will also be adding a party team.
Along with the party team, underwater basket weaving, camel jumping, cheese rolling, snail racing and sumo wrestling are the other teams coming to campus next semester. However, experts around the athletic department expect the party team to be a big hit.
The party team is an elite group of Colorado Mesa University (CMU) students who specialize in capitalizing on any opportunity to indulge in mind-altering substances. The Anti-Crite is honored to introduce the Party Team.
This upcoming fall will be the debut season for the party team, but we can be sure they’ll be practicing all summer to come into the fall semester with exceptional beer bellies, as well as lungs that have been touched by an alarming amount of inhalants. The roster is coming together incredibly nicely, with the commitment of incoming freshman Bodie “Bud” Wiser. Wiser hails from the budding metropolis of Elk Horn, Iowa.
“I am ready to cause a scene in any public place possible. I will terrorize QuincyBar,” Wiser told reporters at national signing day.
A veteran of the Grand Junction party scene, junior mass communication major and local vineyard employee Diane Eyesus is a certified wine guzzler, and she will be picking up a party team jersey this fall. She is certain to lead this team down all kinds of emotional battles and hazy, lust-driven evenings.
CMU has also picked up another strong player for the party team, redshirt sophomore Nick O’Tinê. O’Tinê was born in Ireland, with the astonishing ability to blow huge O-rings out of his mouth with a massive vape mod; who doesn’t think that’s basically the coolest thing ever? O’Tinê will certainly be a valuable asset to have on the roster.
O’Tinê’s childhood bestfriend, Harry Zaa, is also coming to CMU, and they are sure to become an iconic and dynamic duo. Zaa, a redshirt freshman from Denver, Colorado specializes in smoking the aromatic flavors of his home state. On his signing day, Zaa giggled into the microphone for a few minutes and then said, “Yeah man. This will be cool for sure.”
The schedule for the Party Team’s performances and games this fall is still very tentative, as the school attempts to meet and make an exciting, stacked schedule.
There’s certainly still some free agents out there, with great potential that the party team needs to take a look at signing on as soon as possible. The party team has been eyeing Coco “Snuffaluffagus” Leefe. Leefe is a French-born connoisseur of certain nose drugs, and his charming, ecstatic, behavior often brings a party team the exact energy boost and inspiration that they need in the final stages of competition.
It’s looking to be an equally fascinating and (property) damaging semester this fall for the party team as they make their debut on the public stage. There’s no telling what these guys will be capable of when they’re all thrown into a room together, but time will certainly tell.
