by Jake Carmin

I am not somebody who enjoys watching the Super Bowl unless the Broncos or the Steelers are participating, the latter of which I hope gets defeated so badly that they never show up to another football game, and the AFC North gets three by weeks a season. I am also not one of those treasonous Americans who only watch the Super Bowl for the ads. I watch the Super Bowl every year because no one guards the fridge, and I ensure that my guests’ ice cream and beer suddenly, mysteriously, become scarce.

That being said, I do have an abiding belief that modern ad quality is declining. Nothing demonstrates this more than this month’s “Power Rangers” trailer, which features a gloomy cover of Johnny Cash’s “I Walk the Line.” The problem with this? One of Newton’s laws clearly states: “Power Rangers will never, ever be gritty or serious enough to deserve Johnny Cash (and, frankly, there are so many other Cash songs that don’t need to be given a somber cover. They could have had the same effect with literally anything else in his discography).

My mission, then, is to point out when ads are good, in the hope that some big-shot marketing exec reads the Crite and realizes the error of his ways. Anyway, here are the best three Super Bowl commercials of 2017:

Skittles: Romance

Skittles commercials are always absurd; maybe the company has discovered that confusion makes people crave fruity candy. Regardless, this spot opens with a generic ‘boy throws stuff at girl’s window so she sneaks out’ setup, except the ammo is Skittles. In rural Colorado, this situation likely ends with the boy fleeing an angry father holding a shotgun (which doesn’t shoot Skittles), but I digress.

The joke is that the girl is eating the Skittles as they come through the window, then followed by the dad, the mom and presumably, the grandmother (though it would be more funny if it was a random old woman). Then, a burglar catches one, followed by a cop, and then a marmot, I think.

Skittles gets points for the initial joke, and more for the burglar twist. I give it no points for the marmot (gopher?). It could improve if a sequel is produced where the burglar finishes robbing the house.

Logan: Grace

Unlike “Power Rangers,” the marketing team behind “Logan,” the new Wolverine movie, knows how to use Johnny Cash: sparingly, and without resorting to covers. An earlier trailer for Hugh Jackman’s last film as the nigh-immortal human cutlery set used Cash’s “Hurt,” a perfect choice for an aging Wolverine who seems to have lost his way.

Yet the Super Bowl spot resisted using “Hurt” twice in a row, instead using Fuschia Kate Sumner’s rendition of “Amazing Grace.” It’s an odd choice for a trailer that primarily features Wolverine and Kindergarten Wolverine stabbing a lot of people in the face, but it hints at the redemption that Logan is likely seeking.

Action movie buffs should be thrilled for the “Mad Max”-esque post-apocalyptic setting. If moviemakers have learned one thing this decade, it’s that the more your film resembles “Mad Max,” the better it is. Plus, we get stab-punches, which George Miller just hasn’t got around to using yet.

Cards Against Humanity: Advertisement

This is, hands down, the best advertisement ever played during a Super Bowl. It’s a contender for the best ad ever. Exactly zero other companies have the sheer guts that it takes to drop five million on an ad of this caliber.

“Advertisement” only played in the Midwest, so us disconnected liberals didn’t get to see it. Have no fear: it doesn’t take long to describe. The 30-second spot features a stationary shot of a single potato set against a white background. On the potato is the word ‘advertisement’ in Sharpie.

That’s it. That’s the whole ad. And it is glorious. It reached 114.4 million viewers, all of whom experienced true spiritual fulfillment.

The greatest part of this spot was that in no way did it attempt to even briefly inform the viewer what exactly it was hoping to advertise. And Cards Against Humanity didn’t take credit for the ad until the next day, meaning that those who Googled ‘potato ad’ were left clueless. Most companies would at least close the ad with a logo, but Cards Against Humanity apparently didn’t give a damn that their multimillion dollar spot was lost on most of its audience.

In a hilarious satirical blog post on Medium, the company explained: “We assumed that potatoes would feature more prominently in this year’s Super Bowl. However, no players were shown eating a potato, and potatoes were not mentioned at all during the game.”

In the same post, the company explained why their idea failed. “The problem we failed to anticipate was that sports fans ultimately had trouble making the leap from “Super Bowl” to ‘potato’ to ‘Cards Against Humanity’”.

They hope to air an ad next year featuring a much more popular food: wheat.