Maddie Parise | Criterion
by Tyler Fransen
Let me first say that there is no small irony in the fact that I am writing a column about insomnia at one o’clock in the morning; this should be fun!
I have been an insufferable insomniac for most of my adult life. My adult life began in the eighth grade when I noticed I couldn’t sleep very well. Insomnia is the medical term for my affliction, that basically means I can’t sleep worth squat even if my life depended on it- which it kind of does already, but whatever.
Insomnia has been hanging around me for years now and has definitely overstayed its welcome. Although truth be told, it was never really welcome in the first place.
Insomniacs, like myself, know that there are three types of insomnia: having trouble falling asleep, having trouble staying asleep and waking up too early assuming you ever do fall asleep. Me? I’m a triple threat.
On a good day, I can try and push through and get a solid six to seven hours, but that’s really pushing it. College, with its classes, lack of money, desire for relationships, occasional spats with alcoholism and crying, makes it virtually impossible to get a ‘good night’s sleep.’
There are obvious solutions for this of course, and I’ve been told several times, “X, Y or Z will definitely help you sleep better.” I know the people giving me these suggestions mean well, but frankly all of their ideas are just terrible. Let me break it down.
“Take a hot shower and enter a cold room before you go to bed.”
Seems reasonable enough, but do I just let the water rush over me? That seems pretty wasteful. Or do I do my regular shower routine, but at night instead? If that’s the case, then I need more shampoo and a clean pair of underwear when the shower is over because my laundry budget cannot sacrifice underwear.
And no, I will not answer the obvious question of “Why not just sleep in the nude?” because there are some things the Criterion will simply not let me get away with.
“Turn off all electronic devices before bed, so the light and distractions will not keep you up at night.”
Again, sounds reasonable, until you realize that I have literally already done that and it doesn’t work, Brenda, so stop telling me that it works, Brenda, it has failed me for the last time, Brenda! Oh yeah, did I mention I get cranky when my insomnia kicks in?
“Certain types of herbal teas before bed will calm you down and clear your mind before you go to sleep.”
I am not putting a leafy green substance into my drink that makes me numb and causes my head to spin. I could go to jail for that! That is, if I lived in another state, am I right? Up top!
“Invest in a white noise machine.”
Why does it have to be white noise? How come we never hear of the black noise machine? Come on people!
“Write down a list of your thoughts before bed so you have them for later and can rest easy knowing they’ll be there when you wake up.”
What do you think I’m doing right now?
“Studies have shown there are medicinal benefits of marijuana with regards to insomnia.”
Did those same studies tell you that I already suffer from the munchies without pot? How do you think I ended up at my weight, which currently stands at [information withheld].
“Daily exercise and healthy eating have proven time and again to give you a better night’s sleep.”
Daily exercise and healthy eating have also proven time and again to make you no fun. Also, really? Exercise helps you sleep? Yeah, because you just got done running the equivalent of a marathon before you got a cup of coffee, no wonder you fell asleep in the meeting!
And finally, “if all else fails, consult with your doctor about getting a prescription for sleeping pills.”
My doctor and I both know that the second I start taking pills for sleep, that will be the end of me. No more need to complain about insomnia, no more restless nights of bubbling creativity, no more excuses for not being able to sleep, none of that.
So in a roundabout way, I guess I have to thank insomnia for always being there even when I was young. Thank you for allowing me to be creative with my writing and for giving me an otherwise pretty valid excuse to be a rotten person every day; I owe you one, insomnia.
Insomnia and I will have to go our separate ways at some point, but for right now, it’s two in the morning and, were I not fat, I could run a marathon right now.
