On Tuesday morning I woke up, went to Jazzman’s to get a breakfast sandwich, and then went to class. I was paying close attention to the lecture because I enjoyed the material, but then I suddenly remembered that I’d forgotten about an assignment.
Suddenly everything fell apart. I felt nauseated and a little bit dizzy. I tried to focus on the material, but for some reason, I felt like crying. I was sweating and breathing heavily, and all I could think about was how much I wanted — how much I needed — to get out of the room.
I spiraled more and more out of control once I started worrying about whether or not the people around me could see what was happening. This isn’t an abnormal
Last weekend, I traveled to Denver by myself. I had no problem with the 8-hour Amtrak ride, and I had no issue talking to strangers along the way. Walking 30 minutes through the city to get to my hotel didn’t phase me, and checking into my room didn’t bother me at all. But once I got to my room, I had a minor anxious breakdown because I didn’t know how to order room service.
That’s what it looks like for me. Oftentimes everything is completely fine until suddenly, it isn’t. And usually whatever triggers my anxiety isn’t necessarily something scary or intimidating.
The way I like to describe it is: my anxiety is always there, just waiting for something to land on. And then something minor (like remembering an assignment or realizing I have to make a phone call) will happen, and all of my anxiety will become focused on that specific thing which will then lead to my brain misfiring and spiraling out of control.
The worst part of my anxiety is that it causes me to be afraid of the things that I love. I love journalism and I have dreams of becoming a journalist someday. However, I find myself shaking and sweating before nearly every interview I conduct and every event I cover.
Just the other day, as I was sitting through an event I was covering, I couldn’t retain a word the speakers were saying because my mind was running in circles and my entire body was tense and shaking.
But I don’t let it stop me. I’ve been working for school publications for three years. I carried a leadership position on my high school newspaper during my junior and senior year and now, in my freshman year of college, I write for the Colorado Mesa University (CMU) Criterion (obviously.) I readily volunteer for stories because I truly do enjoy writing them, but my anxiety flares up every single time which is a difficult thing to deal with.
It’s hard for me to talk about my anxiety. I don’t want to admit that I had an anxious breakdown over ordering room service, that I had an anxious breakdown in class and that I’ve gotten incredibly anxious in settings that should be comfortable for me, like interviews for journalism or everyday conversations.
I don’t want people to see me as an anxious person. I want people to see me as who I am: a strong and courageous young woman who doesn’t let her anxiety disorder stop her. But I’m slowly starting to understand that my anxiety isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s just something I live with.
I’m writing this column because I want to start to better understand my anxiety, so I’ll be writing about the different ways it affects my life.
I also want to better understand the anxieties of others, which is why I will be interviewing CMU students who struggle with anxiety and sharing their stories on this column.
I’ve been worried that my anxiety will make it impossible for me to ever be a real journalist, but now I’m mixing it and journalism together in a positive way (which makes me super happy). I hope this column helps inform anyone who doesn’t really understand anxiety, and I hope it helps anyone who has anxiety realize that they are not alone.
