Ah, Tinder. The window shopping of dating.

Let’s be real, no one actually uses Tinder to find true love. If I had a dime for every story I hear of a failed Tinder relationship, I wouldn’t have to pay this school thousands of dollars each year to teach me why journalism is important. The reality is Tinder is just a way for us lonely people to see if we still got “it.” If someone on this campus actually finds us attractive or if we are as hideous as the mirror makes us out to be in the morning.

Due to the lack of fear of missing out on “the one,” people are, to put it nicely, cotton-headed ninny muggins on the app. Now guys, before we get to the ladies and the types of girls you see on Tinder, don’t think this glosses over the fact you use the same damn pick-up line literally every single time to try and pick up girls. Sorry, but I have a hard time believing any girl will swoon over you when you message them “hey cutie.”

But, girls on the app are weird too. If you want to dip your toe in the fiery world of Tinder, here’s the five types of girls you’re bound to see:

  1. The Ghost

So, does this girl actually exist? This type of girl is out of your league 7 times out of 10 (or in the case of my ugly self, 10 out of 10.) Somehow, though, you matched with her, and your mind runs wild with imagination of what could happen if you nail the pick up line. You draft what you think is a funny and clever opener to a conversation then hit the send button. Only problem is she doesn’t answer you back. Don’t feel too bad, though, this type of girl never responds to anyone. Why have the app? Are you swiping right every time like a rookie? Did she accidentally swipe right on you without actually looking at your face? Who knows?

  1.  The Liar

A.K.A “I’m looking for something real,” girl. You are on Tinder. How many commercials do you see Tinder rolling out Match.com style talking about two people who swipe right and magically fall in love for eternity. I know for a fact Farmers Only has created more successful marriages than Tinder. It’s literally an app where you look at six pics max of someone and determine if you want to start a conversation. Cupid is nowhere near Tinder. Don’t kid yourself. If you weren’t looking for something small, you wouldn’t be on the app.

  1. The Weed Buddy

“I just want to find someone to smoke with.” Do not tell me you haven’t encountered a girl that says this in her bio. I give these girls credit. They’re probably the most honest people the app has. Just straight up tell you they don’t care for your face, but if you have weed, they’ll be your buddy. Not my cup of tea, but if you need friends to smoke a bowl with, do you boo.

  1. The Brave Ones

Guys are jerks. The reality is these girls come few and far between. Normal protocol is after a match it is up to the male to create the conversation. But these girls have more courage in their pinky than most men do in their body and actually start a conversation with the guy. It’s the dream for the male population. For once you don’t have to find something to say. They gave you a talking point to begin with. Oh, except most of the time the guy won’t message you back because we get freaked out when someone actually shows interest hahahahaha you fools. Really, though, these girls are the real MVPs.

  1. The Animal Lover

These are the ones that message you back because you have a pic of your dog on your profile. Let’s just analyze that for a second. She didn’t really care for your face, nor did she care for your funny joke in your bio. But that furry creature that poops in your yard and eats the mac ‘n’ cheese you spilled on the floor? Yep, she’s hooked. I don’t necessarily blame her as I’m sure we’ve all been at points in our lives where we believe animals are better than human interaction. However, this girl’s interest in you is going to end quicker than a goldfish’s life. She didn’t like you in the first place, all she cared about is your pet. Once you open your mouth and shift the conversation your way, it’s goodbye.

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Joe Azar
Joe Azar is a senior in the Mass Communication department. Over the past three years Azar has been involved as a writer and editor for The Criterion, as well as working for CMU TV. Upon graduation, Azar plans to pursue a career in sports broadcasting.

1 COMMENT

  1. Ah, but you left out all the profiles that say, “I’m looking for someone to go on an adventure with” or “just here to make friends” or my personal favorite, “Someone to cuddle and watch [The Office], [Friends], [Parks and Rec], [How I met your Mother] etc.

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