Question: I'm craving something that doesn't exist. How do I force a multi billion dollar company to produce something for me. I need banana flavored monster energy. Dear Diabolical Drinker, This...

Over the last couple of weeks, students at Colorado Mesa University may have noticed the Rowdy Wranglers setting up stations around campus where passersby have the opportunity to pet some baby Rowdys....

Numerous students have been checking themselves into the Student Wellness Center in desperate need for rehabilitation. It’s an epidemic that will eventually kill all of humanity, even worse than the...

Colorado Mesa University students are petitioning for a new change, and I am 100% for it. Last week, I saw individuals pitching tents on the most treacherous terrain in all of Colorado, the infamous...

The City of Grand Junction has officially renamed the Grand Mesa the Big Table. City Council voted late last month to change the name after a monthslong campaign by CMU President John Marshall. When asked...

Colorado Mesa University (CMU) has a new superstar on campus: Jesus Christ. Christ chose to come to our humble campus to get his associate’s degree in viticulture and enology. “I felt that after 2,000...

In response to student concerns about parking on campus, President John Marshall proudly announced on Monday that CMU will be eliminating all parking lots from campus. This decision comes after months...

For those who missed the opportunity to attend Jared Taylor’s conference back in March, the Western Culture Club has a treat for you. On May 12, ex-host of RuPaul’s Drag Race and former acclaimed...

Juice Junction in the Colorado Mesa University (CMU) Mav Center has a new exciting ingredient in their smoothies: fellow students. Their new menu has many options, including Finger Blast Supreme, Bloody...

Due to complications caused by Jared Taylor’s speaking engagement, April Fool’s Day was moved from April 1 to May 1 to accommodate the satirical edition of the Criterion. The Colorado Mesa University...

Objectivity is a key prerogative in journalism. Everyone knows that the best possible way to be objective is to attempt to stitch together a nonsensical middle-ground stance between two entirely incompatible...

Sodexo is our lord and savior. Just like Jesus, they provide food, water and ice cream.  Some people on this campus believe that Sodexo is power hungry because they charge over $200 dollars for catering...