From the ashes of Halloween rises Christmas, a tunic-wearing phoenix whose flames overshadow the truly OG American tradition of Thanksgiving, tradition of sharing bountiful harvest, celebrating family, and welcoming neighbors and strangers. Regardless of having Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or even Thanksgiving spirit, I hope these upcoming weeks we all celebrate the ones we love and cherish, as well as, some maybe not so cherish-able individuals.

It is not uncommon to encounter a spirited conversationalist amongst family that may “rub your turkey” the wrong way. Innocent conversations can turn into hurtful words very quickly if not approached with careful consideration. Conversations take time and effort, and having a toolbox can make the conversation seem less like work and more like something you actually enjoy. These ten words and phrases, or tools, can help you keep calm and focused on what is important in a civil conversation.

Everyone wants to be heard. So, Listen to them. In fact, just listening to someone and showing you care what they have to say can make all the difference. You could brighten up someone’s day just by lending an ear. It may seem simple but it’s not always.

Validating can help. Validation is a useful technique for getting the person to feel they are being heard by repeating what you’ve heard back to them. Ask questions. Get to know the person.

Put yourself in their shoes. Empathy helps to keep the conversation less hostile. We have so much in common as humans, so much that we share, but hardly reveal to each other.

Don’t assume others mean to cause you harm. While it may be difficult to trust someone, especially strangers, showing you value their right to an opinion helps build a foundation of respect. You can’t control what others say, but you can control what YOU say. Be polite and courteous when presenting your opinions or rebuttals.

Know your audience. Taking the time to ask questions and listen helps you to know what words or topics might not be appropriate. Offending the person you’re talking with is not going to end well and is ultimately immature. Having the ability to “read the room” can help you know if your words are reaching the person in the way you want them to, or if your words are just another Christmas jingle drifting past their ear, receiving little attention.

In any case, the person may become upset and send hurtful words your way. Don’t fight fire with fire. Try counter-speech; the idea of responding to negative speech with positive speech. It is not easy and may require practice, but remaining calm shows maturity, control, and wisdom.

Present your claim with evidence and support not with wild, impulsive emotions or hearsay statements. Words exist so we don’t have to solve everything with our fists. Let’s practice putting down the sword, and instead, pick up a smile.

As JFK once said, “Civility is not a sign of weakness.” When the tools are all used and the bottom of the toolbox is revealed, it is still far from empty. At the bottom of everyone’s toolbox should be the “bottom line” to every discussion. The most important thing to remember: Equality and Unity. We are all on this earth together. Be happy to be alive. Happy we don’t have to spend life’s precious moments alone. After all, the holidays are here to remind us to be thankful. Thankful for those around us. Thankful that we have voices. Thankful to be human.

Happy holidays to all.

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