In the spirit of beating ass, the sports enthusiasts here at the Criterion thought it would be fun to have the RMAC mascots engage in a MMA style tournament to see who is truly on top. Since RMAC is dedicated to fairness and there are only 15 mascots to represent each school, we invited the Stanford Tree as a special guest.
Rules: A single round elimination tournament featuring one of each mascot from each school. Every mascot retains the structural integrity to the character and their size is relative to the actual creature (ex. the Mountaineers have their tools and the Yellow Jackets are the size of an actual yellow jacket).
Round 1:
Adams State Grizzlies vs. Stanford Univserity Tree: While bears do climb trees, redwoods are fucking huge. In attempts to de-leaf the Stanford Tree, the Adams State Grizzlies fall to their imminent death and the tree takes the win.
Colorado Mesa University Mavericks vs. the South Dakota Mines Hard Rockers: Much like the debate on whether a single, mediocre man can win a fight against the bear, a single, mediocre man with a pickaxe would not be able to take on a raging red bull. The Mavericks take the win.
Chadron State Eagles vs. Western Colorado University Mountaineers: Eagles are cool and all but Mountaineers have guns. I think you know where this is going…
Colorado State University Pueblo Thunderwolves vs. New Mexico Highlands University Cowboys: In a vicious surprise attack, the Cowboys are caught off guard and mauled by the Thunderwolves. Yippie Ki-Youch!
Metro State University Road Runners vs. Fort Lewis College Skyhawks: In a grueling chase through the mountains and plains, there is only so much distance the Roadrunners can cover before getting snatched from the ground by the Skyhawks’ razor sharp claws.
Colorado Christian University Cougars vs University of Colorado Springs Colorado Mountain Lions: In a desperate scrap between the same animal with different names, it came down to a literal coin flip. No matter how hard they prayed, the Cougars fell short when facing the Mountain Lions.
Regis University Rangers vs. Colorado School of Mines Orediggers: Survival of the fittest is the name of the game. Unfortunately, with the current administration decimating the National Forest Service, the Rangers are left unemployed and unprepared. Orediggers win by default.
Westminster University Griffins vs Black Hills State University Yellow Jackets: No matter how utterly aggressive and horrifying Yellow Jackets are, they stood no chance against a magical beast. Griffins decimate the warrior insects with a quick squish.
Quarter Finals:
Stanford University Tree vs. Fort Lewis College Skyhawks: In attempts to divebomb the Stanford Tree, the Skyhawks catch a stray branch, leading them to fly straight into the ground. The Stanford Tree takes another victim.
Colorado Mesa University Mavericks vs. University of Colorado Springs Colorado Mountain Lions: In match with a disastrous weight class difference, the 2,000 lbs Maverick tramples the measly 150 lbs Mountain Lions with ease. How unfortunate.
Western Colorado University Mountaineers vs Colorado School of Mines Orediggers:
Much like last match involving the Mountaineers, a pickaxe cannot deflect bullets. But how far will bullets get you?
Colorado State University Pueblo Thunderwolves vs. Westminster University Griffins: While the Thunderwolves have stealth on their side, the Griffins have the air to their advantage. Scooping up the Thunderwolves and dropping them from the sky, the Griffins soar on to the next round.
Semifinals:
Stanford University Tree vs. Colorado Mesa University Mavericks: To uphold the SPJ code of ethics, we cannot be biased and root for Rowdy. Regardless, the Mavericks sustain a traumatic brain injury ramming his head into the bark of the Stanford Tree, kneeling in defeat.
Western Colorado University Mountaineers vs Westminster University Griffins: Utilizing their expert tracking and survival expertise, the Mountaineers hunt down the Griffins like a majestic stag in the wilderness. The mythical creature was no match for human audacity.
Final Round:
Stanford University Tree vs. Western Colorado University Mountaineers: Taking a saw to the trunk of the Stanford Tree, the Mountaineers manage to cut it down. However, during the process of toppling the Tree, the majestic redwood aims its trajectory directly toward the mountain man. There is no escape for the Mountaineers as the consequences of their actions crushes them with the weight of a gargantuan redwood.
The Stanford Tree wins by default.
