In an unprecedented move, Governor Jared Polis fired the entire Board of Trustees on Feb. 31.
Colorado Mesa University (CMU) will have the first-ever Board of Dog Trustees continuing into the coming years. The first move of this new Board was to give all the money to animal science programs and make every Wednesday a mandatory school-wide meeting to give belly rubs.
“Woof, woof bark. Bark bark woof,” the Chair Spudley Benedict said.
Vice-Chair Evelyn Wigglebutt seconded his statement by wagging her tail. This means that university students will have to eat the same dry meal twice a day and walking classes will happen every day. Wigglebutt and Benedict plan on attending those classes personally to ensure things are going as planned.
Cookie Craftypaw will be serving as the Treasurer. Despite being completely food-driven, Craftypaw vowed that she would not take any bribes unless they came in the form of top-quality steak. Her plan for spending includes more treats, more toys, and softer couches around campus.
“Honestly I thought this would save us money, but these dogs are demanding. Their discussions have recently turned to overthrow the entire Colorado state government, which didn’t seem like a bad idea when they gave me their puppy eyes,” Polis said.
Two other Trustees have vowed to give students a weekly fancy meal that contains moisture. Ranger Danger and Pyper Pupper have spoken on how wet food can be beneficial to human students, but many stand against drawing from the budget in case dog treats run out in the office and they cannot afford it anymore.
“This is amazing. Dogs are amazing and I wish they ran the whole world,” allegedly human student Fluffy Woofs said.
Following this change, students can soon expect some faculty and administration to be replaced by puppies. Benedict stated that dogs need more power within the university and young recruits were a good way to convince human stakeholders.
