Aries: Your newfound passion for necromancy will be the cause for the zombie apocalypse. Not like it really matters, society is collapsing anyways. This might actually fix things.

Taurus: Not only are you going to be haunted by your past mistakes, you are actually getting haunted by a ghost. His name is Steve. Appreciate him.

Gemini: I would warn you that you’re going to get possessed by a horde of 1,000 demons but you already are, so it’s not like 1,000 more is going to hurt. No wonder you’re so indecisive.

Cancer: You will be afflicted with every disease known to man EXCEPT cancer. Stay safe bestie.

Leo: Oh boy. You’ve got an axe murderer actively chasing you. He’s slow but a Leo is going to be a Leo and you will get axe murdered. Sorry.

Virgo: You’re finally going to embrace your calling to be a spooky witch. Go cast some spells queeeeen.

Libra: Look behind you.

Scorpio: Expect to cross paths with a black cat, break a mirror, walk under a ladder and see the number 13 ABSOLUTELY EVERYWHERE. I have no idea what you did but there is no escaping the bad luck coming your way, karma’s a fish.

Sagittarius: Clowns. Clowns everywhere. Clowns in your closet, clowns outside your door, clowns in your kitchen. They are not sexy, they have knives, they wish for malice.

Capricorn: YOU’LL GROW A PUMPKIN HEAD! KACHOW!

Aquarius: You will come into possession of an axe, perfect for axe murdering. FEED THE CALLING.

Pisces: You will lose your vape, the worst fear imaginable. To find it, utilize a Ouija Board and accidentally summon a horde of 1,000 demons.