After 17 years of dutiful service as President of Colorado Mesa University (CMU), Timothy Foster is leaving a space vacuum’s worth of a legacy for his successor to fill. On behalf of The Criterion, we would like to offer our top ten nominees for the next president of CMU.
Dane Campbell
A man of the people. A hard worker from the middle class with strong ethics and the will of humankind. So what if he’s a student here? Between balancing school, going to the gym, and working at the on-campus Chick Fil A, there is nothing this guy can’t do. Full disclosure, the fact that I get free food from him after his closing shifts has nothing to do with his nomination.
Megaphone Man
One of the most well-known people on campus, regardless that this is due to his infamy, CMU’s Megaphone Man clearly has the dedication to run a university. Not only this, but his love for spending time with students out on the plaza any given Monday afternoon shows just how much he cares for the student body.
Kanye West
Despite winning under one percent of the American vote this historic 2020 election, I believe his unpredictability, musical talent and love for God makes him a perfect fit for CMU Presidency.
Prince Puffer
Every city has its attractions. Colorado Springs has Pikes Peak. Denver has its concrete jungle. Grand Junction boasts what may be the best of all, Prince Puffer. Ruling over Main Street, Grand Junction, Prince Puffer keeps the peace downtown, brings wealth to small store owners and is super photogenic!
Rowdy, the Maverick
Rowdy, as wild and free as he is, just might be the best candidate to sit behind the iconic desk in Lowell Heiny Hall. Not only would his rowdy policies likely appeal to the student body, but his promotion would also give the CMU Rowdy Wranglers a lot more work opportunity.
Austin Powers
Make CMU groovy again, baby! Ranking as the 260th most conservative college out of 1,647 on Niche.com, the shagadelic man of mystery might be the vibe check Mesa needs. Yeah baby, yeah!
My dog Rocky
The man, the myth and the legend, Rocky has been loyal since 2010, and with the new vacancy in the presidential office, I think it’s time for this Goldendoodle to move out of the dog house.
Whoever can walk up and down the Escalante stairs the most
Sometimes the best route is to go back to our roots, and in the spirit of doing so, perhaps the next president for CMU should be selected by athletic prowess. Escalante being one of the most laborious and challenging athletic feats on campus would serve as an exceptional grounds for competition down to the last man.
Joe Gatto from Impractical Jokers
Not only the best Impractical Joker but a TikTok legend, mental health and animal rights activist, Joe Gatto just might be the progressive new change CMU needs.
A literal monkey with a typewriter
As many before me have said in response to politics, it may be best to simply “return to monkey.” Instead of a continuation of the endless bureaucracy and politics, let’s just put a cute little monkey in the big chair and see what happens.
