Evan, my parents just called to say they are bringing my grandmother over to see me for Easter. The problem is that 20 people who are very heavily celebrating 4/20 currently occupy my house. It reeks! What do I do?

Is it too late to call back and say that you aren’t home? Probably.

First of all, get most of those people out of there. If they’re as high as they probably are on 4/20, they probably don’t want to spend a quiet Easter afternoon with your family. This shouldn’t be too hard.

Pick three who will stay. Make sure that you trust them and that they aren’t completely ripped yet. This is your power cover-up team. Take a moment to partake in a holy sacrament of eye drops and gum before getting to work.

Phase one: As one of your friends ushers the mass of tokers out of your home, have another open all the doors and windows at the front and back of your house. Put the third on cleanup duty to hide and dispose of all material evidence of the smoke out that was underway.

As all this is going on, your job is to run around your house and collect all the smelly things. If you don’t have a box of incense lying around, then, well, that’s just bad form. Anything will work though—body spray, cologne, air fresheners, dryer sheets, and anything else that smells good and pungent.

Phase two: Once everyone is out, take two last hits of weed by a door or window at each end of your house. Watch which direction the smoke goes and use it to determine the direction of the airflow through your house.

Now comes the fun part. You and all of your friends need to uniformly disperse the scent of smelly things at the end of your house where the air is coming in. This should carry the smell uniformly across the house toward the other end, hopefully effectively covering up the stench of dank that has permeated your home. Continue to do this until you either run out of smelly things or you see or hear your parent’s car pull up.

Phase three: Be the innocent Easter Sunday son that you are and run out front to greet them as your friends stash the cover-up gear and start the afternoon tea. It took Jesus three days to come out from behind that boulder, but you need to utilize every second you’ve got to come out of the fog you’re in. Happy Easter.

ealinko@mavs.coloradomesa.edu