Lying dormant in the box office this weekend, the Paul W.S. Anderson film “Pompeii 3D” is almost as much of as disaster as the 79 A.D. eruption of Mt. Vesuvius itself.

“Pompeii” tells the story of Milo (Kit Harrington), an imprisoned Celtic warrior in Pompeii who seeks revenge on Corvus (Kiefer Sutherland), a roman senator who slaughtered Milo’s family.

Corvus is betrothed to the strangely beautiful Cassia (Emily Browning), but Cassia becomes uncomfortably aroused by Milo’s horse whispering and ab flexing, leading the two to become heavy-breathing, starry-eyed lovers.

Cassia hops on the back of Milo’s horse like a teenager hops on the back of a motorcycle, and the two go on a joyride before being tracked down by Corvus’ cronies. As punishment, Milo is tossed back in the arena to fight off hundreds of Roman soldiers with fellow gladiator Atticus (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje). Then, Mt. Vesuvius explodes. That’s not a spoiler. It’s in the history books.

But don’t mistake “Pompeii” for a historical epic. The eruption of Mt. Vesuvius was one of the most tragic events in human history. Nearly 16,000 people are believed to have died in the eruption—yet the film treats this premise with Twilight-esque romance and cliché dialogue.

While Harrington and Akinnuoye-Agbaje had crisp performances, no amount of acting chops could have saved them from the laughable screenwriting. Harrington was reduced to a sword with abs while Akinnuoye-Agbaje was thrust into the role of a token black gladiator. The best acting in “Pompeii,” however, was that of Mt. Vesuvius—a molten-hot performance that was quite explosive.

When they could have easily made a jaw-dropping film by following history, Anderson and the screenwriters opted for eye-tearingly cheesy romance filled with distracting anachronisms. At least in this regard, quality reflects content: “Pompeii” is a disaster.

★☆☆☆☆

dlmeyer@mavs.coloradomesa.edu