“Evan, I just took a bunch of LSD and realized that I have to be at work in an hour. My manager said if I call in sick again this month I’m fired, and I really need this job. What do I do??”

Just go to work. It will be a crazy experience.

You’ll have such a new perspective on everything that you do for a living. Aren’t spreadsheets wack? Isn’t it interesting how your menial duties at your job are interconnected with the rest of the universe?

Okay, this might be too intense for you. Hallucinogens are great and all, but you gotta keep yourself in a very open-ended situation. Remember what a drug dealer said once, “If you start to have a bad trip where you are, just leave.”

You’ve got an hour to be at work. That’s about how long it will take for that acid to kick in. So go, but don’t worry, you’re going to get out of this.

Put your best “I’m completely sober” face on and head into work, early. Clock in, early. Start doing your duties, early. As that acid starts to kick in, you won’t look so normal. You can use this outward appearance to your advantage.

If you don’t already look like someone who has come down with something fierce, milk it. Start coughing, looking dizzy, hyperventilating and shaking. You might not even have to pretend. The fact that you are tripping face at the workplace will probably help in making you look like you’re a little under the weather.
If your boss doesn’t notice and send you home, wait till you’re tripping pretty hard (like questioning reality hard) and approach them. State it plain and simple, “I know this is unacceptable, but I really don’t feel good.” If that doesn’t do the trick, look them in the eye with those big, dilated pupils and say, “I think there is something wrong with me.”

Don’t let this get the best of you. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. You’re just delving into your subconscious in one of the less socially-accepted ways. Let’s hope your boss will most likely see that you are visibly ill and send you home.

If your boss makes you stay at work, or decides to fire you, you’ve got the next 4-10 hours to contemplate the meaning of life and have your mind blown by various realizations. When you come out of this trip, regardless of your employment status, you will understand the actions you must carry out to be a respectable and productive piece of matter that has attained self-awareness.