Dear Evan,
I had too many shots and I’m stuck in Clifton. What do I do?

For starters, stop taking shots.
You are drunk and far away from campus. You’re also beginning to question some of your recent choices. Now you are at a very uncomfortable party, some people are giving you the stank eye (they either want to have sex with you or fight you, you can’t really tell) and you really, really need to get home.
What time is it? How drunk are you? Does your cell phone work? Do you have your cell phone? You are going to ask yourself a series of questions and do a brief self-assessment of your current situation. Can you find water? Have a glass of water and take some deep breaths.
Now, call MAVRides (248-2222). Even if it’s after their normal operating hours, just call. Someone might be there, and they’re not going to abandon your drunk and lost ass in one of the lower economically-developed areas of the Grand Valley.
If it’s too late or your cell phone is incapacitated, it’s time to employ some unique measures. You’re with some friends right? Let’s get with them. They might have a plan, or a least a cell phone or a safer place to stay. Start blowing up everyone you can on the cell phone and Facebook. If there is a random computer in the house, use it. You don’t even have to make it back home. Just make it somewhere safe and quiet, even if it’s a couch. Just get the hell out of the sketchy environment.
Unless you’re fairly burly, I would not recommend attempting to walk back to campus or your house, especially if you are under 21. We want to do this safely, and if that means calling a cab or getting a ride back to campus with that awkward kid from down the hall, do it. There is no reason to stay in a situation that makes you uncomfortable when you have options.
Good luck, and plan your escape route for next time.