Sports Reporter
The following is a letter to Tim Tebow, the former New York Jets and Denver Broncos “quarterback” and punt protector:
Dear Mr. Tebow,
On behalf of Denver Bronco fans, the city of Grand Junction, and the Lord Jesus himself, I am happy to officially offer you the backup quarterback job for the reigning American Pro Football League #2 (APFL2) national champion Grand Junction Gladiators.
As a feeder league for the Indoor Football League (IFL), the Gladiators will offer you a better opportunity than the Omaha Beef (in the IFL). As a backup to former Central High School standout and Mesa State quarterback Dustin Benton you will learn about quality football skills like having “a throwing motion” and the “ability to read defenses” while not having to face those pesky IFL defenses, which have given the Omaha Beef fits.
While the APFL2 has quality defenses, many of the teams are more run-focused. The run-centric defense will allow you to stumble into wins, and rely on a quality defense and a stacked receiving corp.
The safeties in the APFL2 are not quite as quick to jump on a slow-throwing motion, so it will give you ample opportunity to speed up your miserably slow release.
Also, in Omaha, well, you’re in Omaha.
Grand Junction offers you a unique brand of Christianity, which would fall right in line with your borderline fanatical stances.
Similar to when you were playing “quarterback” for Denver, fans in Grand Junction would blindly follow you, and the minute Benton makes a bad pass, would chant “Teeeeeebow” until management was forced to make a change.
Also, the girls at CMU aren’t quite as hot as Camilla Belle, but they’re also not insane. It would offer you a unique platform to settle down before you burn out in the Canadian Football League. Canada has very few women that would date the most annoying, over-the-top religious punt protector to ever flunk out of the NFL.
Most importantly, playing in Colorado would give you ample time to learn from a quality quarterback in Denver, when you’re not learning from Benton. Peyton Manning is a short, four hour drive away, and available on most TVs in bars or places of worship.
It also allows you to be near John Elway, a quality quarterback with a Super Bowl ring who turned you into the “quarterback” with the most fanatical following to ever hit the league.
Instead of going to the CFL, where the wide fields and pass-heavy offenses would once again showcase your inability to pass, please consider the APFL2. Seats would fill in Grand Junction to watch you punt protect or even to just stand on the sideline with a clipboard.
It’ll be the best $150 you’ve spent, and hopefully, after a lot of practice, you’ll be ready to move up to the IFL.
jameyer@mavs.coloradomesa.edu
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