President Barack Obama is sending a bill to Congress proposing six new holidays to spur economic growth and lift the country’s sagging morale, a White House spokesman announced today. The new holidays address several problems plaguing the U.S. in the second term and will be spread throughout the year.

“We, as Americans, have never faced a greater need for organized uplift and emotional and fiscal joy than at this time,” the Celebrator-In-Chief said. “With great pleasure, I propose a series of new holidays. With government departmental closings, unpaid days off, mandatory gift, decoration, greeting card, food, libation, and music purchases, the unavoidable tax revenues will completely offset the Federal Deficit and pay for new social programs and foreign incursions we [the Government] want to implement. While these will in no way be elective or voluntary, the resulting boost to national spirit and government tax harvest will, in the long run, be worth every cent of your money.

“Beginning on Jan. 23, 2014, we will celebrate “Ice Days” in honor of the typically bitter cold experienced during that period. The featured drinks of this three-day festival are Cannabis Schnapps, imported from Canada, and Mota Cerveza from Mexico, subject to heavy import tariffs and duties.

“From March 20 – 24, we will observe “Snake Days” as a complement to St. Patrick’s Day. The good saint is credited with ridding Ireland of serpents, which had to go somewhere [U.S. Congress]. We propose Red-Eye whisky, which will only be legally available during this week-long precursor to “Real Christmas.”

“Historians and mystics research supports that Jesus was actually born on April 6 rather than Dec. 25. Aged Eggnog (150 Proof, for natural preservative purposes) will be imported from Scotland under the previously mentioned import taxation scheme, ‘er, schedule. The same holiday theme from Christmas applies here.

“On April 20, the holiday “420 Daze” will take place. It will be a one-day concession to the herbal constituence. The sales of munchies and DVD rentals will be evaluated to see if extension of the event is fiscally justifiable. If so, Congress has agreed to fast-track ratification of a constitutional amendment legalizing Marijuana for that day only.

“Cuatro y Seis de Mayo” will be added to either side of the traditional Cinco celebration, to allow for preparatory Tequila purchases and hangover remediation, respectively.

“The next holiday we are especially proud to roll out is “Six times Fourth of July.” It will be the crown-jewel of the summer and a sorely needed relief from winter. Here’s how it will work: we will observe Independence Day for six consecutive days, each called the fourth. We will then shorten December by the same number of days, eliminating that tiresome and pesky stretch from Christmas to New Year’s, allowing one huge blowout.

“After a year-long review, we will consider more holidays. Currently, we are considering usurping Mormon “Pioneer Day” in July because we know they will not complain openly. Aug. 31 may be “I Don’t Wanna Day,” a pre-Labor Day fete. September will have “Kenneday,” a toast to toasted legislator’s memory of one of their own, fueled by ethanol, a nod (and a wink) to alternative energy. October’s “Punkin’ Chunkin’ Day” will honor rubes nationwide .Finally, November’s “Bloat and Laxative” will be our post-Thanksgiving observance.

“On behalf of myself and the other geniuses in Washington, thank you and rock on.”