Features Reporter
They say you spend one third of your life in bed. But how much time do you spend on the crapper?
The answer, I’m sure, varies person to person.
For some people, ‘doing their business’ is strictly that: business. Quick and efficient, these power users aren’t beneath sending a few emails from the can.
Maybe your visitations to the porcelain god take the solemn character of a sacred ritual: long, solitary moments of peace and self-reverence.
If you’re anything like me, your trips to the smallest room are a fleeting chance to escape the daily existential horror of human mortality and/or finally trim down that hilarious tweet that’s been stuck in your draft folder at 141 characters.
Regardless of your mindset when it comes to waste elimination, most of us value comfort in the bathroom as much as we do in bed. With this in mind, I decided to review the bathrooms on campus and answer the question most vital to any savvy, well-informed pooping enthusiast: Where’s the number one place to go number two?
Houston Hall, second floor – 2 turds out of 5
This is not a bad bathroom, but it’s got something of an identity crisis that holds it back from its contemporaries. This bathroom is small (two stalls, two urinals on the men’s side), and it serves one of the busiest buildings on campus, so if you’re touching cotton between classes, you might have to wait for your turn on the throne.
One nice bonus to this commode is the soft, natural lighting in the handicap stall. On a sunny day, the warm glow can make for some truly pleasant pooping.
University Center, second floor – 4 steamers out of 5
If you value your privacy, this is the place to be. This lovely lavatory is rarely used, and there are nearly a dozen spotless porcelain turd tanks just begging to be pooped in. This bathroom was clearly designed with volume in mind, but it’s far enough off the beaten path that it doesn’t attract much attention.
Academic Classroom Building, third floor – 5 feces out of 5
I debated sharing this gem with the world. On one hand, it’s my journalistic duty to share my findings with the people. On the other, this place is like a pristine wilderness reserve that could be ruined by masses of encroaching tourists.
My journalistic integrity won out.
This bathroom would be more accurately described as ‘bathrooms,’ because it’s actually two separate rooms. First, there is a well-lit antechamber with sinks, soap dispensers, etc. Through the next door is a quiet, dimly-lit spaceship of a bathroom. As you’re sealed in by the second layer of doors, you know you’ve found somewhere special.
If I was Superman (Poo-perman?) this would be my Fortress of Solitude (Soli-pooed?). It’s like a zen garden, with conveniently placed toilets. I go out of my way to bask in its cool silence. Sometimes I go up there when I don’t even have to use the john.
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