My nose is doing this really cool thing lately. For almost two weeks now, it gushes blood every time I get upset or sad. It’s completely horrifying for whoever I’m talking to at the time, and it’s really frightening for me because it means I have to spend the next 20 minutes trying not to bleed on anyone I love, while reassuring them that a hospital trip is not necessary.
Strangely, it’s also the greatest thing that’s happened to me in a while because it means I’ve lost the ability to cry. Nothing shuts down a sob-fest quite like blood spurting from your face.

I don’t know why, but I’ve always been bad with emotional displays. Maybe it’s because I was raised by robots, or maybe it’s my annoyingly pragmatic personality, but I approach all emotional situations the way TSA approaches suspicious luggage at the airport (which is to say, I make a perimeter around the offending object, shut it down with as little contact as possible, and then try to get whoever is responsible arrested). I know emotional responses are “healthy” and “normal” and “something you should really try, Stephanie”, but it’s time to make a declaration for the good of society: No one should ever be allowed to cry. Ever.

The current rules regarding tears are patently unfair. Men are not allowed to cry because there’s nothing more uncomfortable than male emotion, but they are expected to be sensitive. Because society is full of double-standards, women have more leeway when it comes to eye water. Girls can cry in public, when they’re happy, and even to manipulate someone. That’s not right. Let’s just ban crying across the board and help people like me become a little less anxious in social situations.

Of course, there are exceptions to my proposed No Crying Law. Under its stipulations, you are allowed to cry when one of your body parts has been lopped off. You can cry if you’re going through a terrible breakup, but it has to be the worst breakup in the history of breakups. You can cry when someone you love dies, but only if they would have been OK with it. You can cry silently in very dark movie theaters when you are absolutely sure no one can see you.

Crying is not allowed in public establishments like restaurants and malls, around people you’ve just met, or if you’re doing it in an effort to manipulate a situation or call attention to yourself. It is also not OK at any other time.

I know that some people are born criers and there’s not much they can do about it, but I’m sick of being persecuted for my inability to comfort people or react appropriately during someone’s meltdown. I’m tired of being called coldhearted because tears make me uncomfortable. Why am I unfeeling, when you’re the one who walked into the room and started bawling without a thought for the people around you? So I’m an insensitive jerk. Come on. Cry me a river.