Dear Anthony,
My boyfriend’s league is locked out. How will we survive without any income coming in? Should I dump him since our future isn’t secure?
Sincerely, Basketball Wives

Dear Basketball Wives,
I am extremely sorry for your losses. I mean, I know he brought in over $55 million over the past three years, but how will you guys be able to afford that fifth house in the Bahamas? Such a travesty. I think you should dump him… for a hockey guy, perhaps.

Dear Anthony,
Is it normal that your girlfriend of many years still demands that we use condoms? I feel like we should be trusting eachother enough to not use protection.
Sincerely, The Trojan

Dear The Trojan,
It’s so annoying to keep having to use protection. I know it would be easier to just get in there and do work. But, things can happen that could ruin your life. For example, a child can keep you from having a social life. That thought alone makes me use two condoms every time I’m doing the business.

Dear Anthony,
My boyfriend shouted another girl’s name in the bed the other night. He said it doesn’t mean anything, but I don’t think I can be sure. Do you think he is seeing another girl behind my back?
Sincerely, Not Stacy

Dear Not Stacy,
Let me guess, he goes to therapy a lot more recently? He keeps getting called into work at random times of the day? He decided dog watching for his grandmother is all of a sudden a neat thing to do? I see no other reason why he would be thinking of another girl’s name while in bed. And, for the record, no one loves their grandma’s dog that much.

Dear Anthony,
My boyfriend and I have been together for a long time now, but things have been quite boring. It’s really a bummer because he isn’t into the kinky things. How can I spice things up?
Sincerely, Yawn

Dear Yawn,
Spontaneous sex. That’s the answer to your issue. Honestly, I think spontaneous sex is the answer to many, many issues in life. But, this will lead to more excitement for you two. And you have to get him at the most unexpected times. As soon as he gets home, sex. As soon as dinner is over, sex. As soon as he gets out of the shower, sex. Trust me, it won’t be boring any more.