Twice a week, I go through these intense mood swings that freak everyone out. I’ll be whistling and laughing one moment because everything is going my way, and the next second I’m rocking back and forth in a dark corner, muttering to myself and making 30-page long to-do lists. I’m pretty sure it will only get worse over the next six months, when the catalyst for this serious case of the crazies finally passes: I’m graduating in May and it’s freaking me out.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to finally have the chance to be a grown up. I’m excited to figure out what I’m doing with the rest of my life, and I can’t wait to say snooty things in Latin like, “I’m an alumnus of my alma mater, Colorado Mesa University, e pluribus unum, semper fi, et cetera.” (I don’t know much Latin.) All those things sound great, but I think I’d appreciate them more if I wasn’t paralyzed with fear about the whole thing.
Freaky Thing #1: I keep losing faith in my ability to pass classes. In the past I knew I’d have another year to retake a class if I messed it up horribly. I don’t have that buffer this year. If I fail my classes this semester, I can’t graduate. The pressure’s on. As soon as my Photojournalism professor announces my picture doesn’t have strong narrative, I start mentally berating myself for being unable to point a camera at something and photograph it like any normal person would be able to do. The abuse is so intense that I’m thinking of moving to a battered women’s shelter to get away from my own brain.
Freaky Thing #2: Whatever you want to do post-graduation, someone is going to have a problem with it. In September, I decided I want to go to library school to pursue a master’s degree. On the scale of radical decisions, where one is “eating oatmeal for breakfast” and ten is “participating in the X Games using an angry shark instead of a skateboard”, going to library school is somewhere around a -8. Nonetheless, when I tell people that’s what I’m doing, it’s like I’m telling them I want to work in waste management. If I ask people what they think I’m better suited for, they’ll suggest whatever they do for a living. This makes sense, I guess, but it was still really hard to tell my grandpa I don’t want to go to law school or run a funeral home.
Freaky Thing #3: When you’re a college student, you have a built-in excuse. You made a poor decision? It’s ok, you’re in college! You hooked up with a jerk? You’ll move on, you’re in college! You bought your brother a pack of gum for his birthday? You can’t afford nice gifts! You’re in college! After graduation, you lose that leeway and people start holding you accountable. You never hear anyone say, “She was dating this dirtbag who robbed her blind and knocked her up, but it’s ok because she’s a recent college graduate!”
It’s great to have reached another milestone in life, and I really am ready to move on. I’ve come down with a serious case of senioritis and I’d love to have a life outside of Grand Junction. I know I shouldn’t get hung up on these things, so I’m trying not to let them bother me. If you need me, I’ll be in the fetal position, compulsively braiding my hair and re-counting credit hours.
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ssummar@mavs.coloradomesa.edu