Tim Tebow is destined for greatness in the National Football League.

Yeah, you heard me.

For almost three years now, the angelic Tebow has been compared to legends such as Eagles quarterback Michael Vick, NFL hall-of-famer Steve Young and the Bible’s Jesus. His stats are impressive – he has 278,052 Twitter followers, nearly three times as many as the legendary John Elway. But most importantly, Tebow has the chiseled figure of a god and the demeanor of a giddy schoolgirl, and his hair has been described as “luscious.” These tools alone will thrust Tebow into heroic status in the NFL.

NFL cheerleading, that is.

Despite his unflappable work ethic and monstrous biceps, Tebow shows no signs of succeeding as an NFL quarterback. After being drafted by the Denver Broncos in the first round of the 2010 draft, Tebow has proven that his arm motion is incredibly slow and his pass accuracy is comparable to that of a fifth grader throwing deep bombs across a playground.

In short, Tebow is a hard-working adonis who lacks the raw talent to be a successful NFL quarterback. However, his cheerleading prospects are astounding.
According to the numerous professional cheerleaders I associate myself with (okay, maybe that’s a lie) the three main characteristics of a successful cheerleader are concrete. The best cheerleaders must be attractive, athletic and wholesome.

First of all, many people find Tim Tebow to be attractive. He’s built like a stallion and has a face that says “Hey! I’m attractive! Want to come to church with me?” Even my mom thinks he’s attractive. Check.

Tebow is also athletic. He ran an impressive 4.72 second 40 yard dash in the 2010 NFL combine, and can jump nearly 40 inches into the air. For a white guy, that’s incredible. Check.

But where Tebow excels the most is with his sparkling personality. Tebow may not be the guy to start at home against the Raiders, but he’s the guy to take home to the parents. He’s as wholesome as heaven and as positive as a pastor. Compared to other NFL players, he is divine.

When James Harrison, a Steelers linebacker talks about other players in the NFL, he says things like “I hate those motherf—ers, especially those two clowns [Rodney Harrison and Teddy Bruschi]… I’d like to meet them both in a dark alley.”

While Harrison is threatening retired NFL players in his spare time, Tebow is busy tweeting references to bible verses. In fact, he has tweeted six bible verses in the past six weeks. That’s about as wholesome and positive as the NFL is ever going to get. Check.

There you have it, Teebs – you have the tools and the mentality to be a successful NFL cheerleader. Analysts might say you don’t have what it takes to succeed under the pressure of an 80 pound girl balancing on your hands, but they are mistaken. People might think you don’t have the correct arm motion to throw a cheer-io above your head fast enough or have the accuracy to land that cheer-io safely in the hands of another cheer-io, but you will prove them wrong. Critics may claim that you’re not tough enough to be a cheerleader, but they know nothing about cheerleading at all. You’re Tim Tebow, Tim Tebow. Use that smile and that work ethic to cheer the hell out of the NFL.

dlmeyer@mavs.coloradomesa.edu