Dear Anthony,
I like this girl and she seems to like me, but she has a “boyfriend” back home in California. What should I do?
Sincerely, More than a Friend

Dear More than a Friend,
Just tell her “If he is out of state, why wait?” In a survey conducted by me just now, zero percent of long-distance relationships ever work. Ever. She’s already flirting with you and I bet you two end up being together. Plus, I’m sure her man has already realized how much long-distance relationships suck.

Dear Anthony,
My boyfriend is always, always in charge of the TV remote. Sometimes, there are things that I want to watch. Why can’t he ever let me be in control of the remote?
Sincerely, Watching That

Dear Watching That,
I’m sorry, but I was laughing for quite awhile after that question. You actually think there is a way you could have control of the remote when he is in the room? That is a battle that you will never win. A man will protect his TV time more than he would protect you in a house fire.

Dear Anthony,
Girls are sometimes turned off by my facial hair. You being a man that knows a thing or two about beards, how do you work it with the ladies?
Sincerely, Fuzzy Face

Dear Fuzzy,
It is easy for me because my beard has been referred to as “magical” and “enchanting.” For the others, us men have to stand strong against the complaining and razors. Girls are allowed to do whatever they want with their looks and styles, but we can’t have the thing that defines us all as real men? No more. It’s time for ladies to shut up and deal with it.

Dear Anthony,
Sometimes, I just want to have some sexy time with my boyfriend, but he’s into video games way more than me. How can I make him want me more than Gears of War?
Sincerely, Horny

Dear Horny,
I am on yours and all women’s side on this. Fellas, you gotta set your priorities straight. You have to have less play time if you want more play time, if you know what I mean. Next time you are in the mood, but he is more focused on setting up his franchise on Madden, shut off that TV, stand in front of him and show him you mean business. Video games all of a sudden aren’t an interest to him any more.