My boyfriend, along with a few of his brave friends, recently decided to shave their facial hair into a mustache. When he originally pitched the idea to me, I had hoped he was kidding. Later that night, when I got home from work, I realized he was actually very serious. He greeted me at the door with his flawless smile and what looked like part of a dirty Swiffer duster perched on his upper  lip
Personally, I’m a big fan of facial hair on guys.  If you like a little scruff, have at it, boys. I’m in total support of the “rough around the edges” look. However, I, along with the rest of the female population have to draw the line somewhere.
Your facial hair should NEVER be as creative, thought out and put together as your fantasy football team.  And I’m sorry to tell you, boys, but contrary to your own beliefs, it’s not helping you get laid.  Allow me to be your wing-woman for a moment. Here’s what your facial hair is actually telling the females of this campus.
Handlebars say one of two things; either, you’re trying to pull off the Hulk Hogan/biker look or your handlebars are very well kept and precise, in which case, you’re putting way too much time into your facial hair. It’s unattractive. Either way, handlebars are in no way, and under no circumstances, acceptable.
The Goatee: ridiculously sexy. . .on the guys featured in GQ. If you’re not blessed with the looks to get you on the cover of that magazine, don’t attempt to pull off the goatee. It conveys the sense that you’re too into yourself.
The soul patch: it’s bad, boys. It’s so so bad. And the one thing that makes it even worse is when you gnaw on your lower lip in order to play with the small island of hair. When Usher does it, it’s sexy. When you do it, it raises concerns that you may, in fact, choke on your lip. When you harvest your own soul patch you’re more apt to look like Billy Ray Cyrus than Usher. This look is a very bold statement and can give off a metro sexual vibe.
And lastly, the ever-so, yet, wrongly-so popular mustache.  A mustache says “elderly.” Also, I feel like a mustache is a redneck optical illusion. Allow me to elaborate. In order for an uneducated redneck to appear intelligent, all he would have to do is grow a mustache. Ask yourself this, “Why does Dr. Phil have a mustache?” Because A) he’s old. And B) he’s a redneck trying to make a living out of a television talk show. He has the mustache to distract his listeners from the idiocracy spewing from his mouth.
The fact that you’re reading this article implies that you’re in college. Even if you’re not a traditional student, you’re present on a college campus. And college kids thrive on the expense of others. Don’t give us a reason to mock. Don’t be the guy who leaves the café with food stuck in his beard. Don’t be the guy in class that twirls his facial hair. Don’t be the guy who gives his girl beard burn. Keep it clean.