Please help me.

Every Wednesday night, I crack open my laptop, launch Skype, and begin to chat with my lovely long-distance girlfriend. We catch up on the week’s events and discuss what an awesome couple we are. It’s one of my favorite nights of the week – until she says, “Ready to watch Glee now?”

It wasn’t my choice. I’m much more into Mad Men and The Office. However, my girlfriend believes that watching Glee with her every Wednesday evening is my penance for moving 500 miles away. So, because I am a great boyfriend, I would grin and bear the pain of a weekly dose of America’s favorite television musical.

Unfortunately, after weeks had passed, my views on Glee had changed. As the season progressed, I became more and more sympathetic for each character. Each musical number seemed to be more entertaining than the last. I even bought a Glee song on iTunes. What began as a punishment had transformed into an obsession.

For a while, I couldn’t figure out why Glee had grown on me so quickly. Maybe it was the charm and determination that each student brought to the glee club that made the show enjoyable. Or perhaps I instantly became twitter-pated by the sexy cheerleaders the first moment they shook a hip. Honestly, I think there is a more practical explanation for the Glee madness.

Watching Glee is like being kidnapped.

After the first episode, thoughts like “Why God? Why?” and “I knew Gleeks seemed like a cult!” ran through my mind. With each passing moment, fear and shock paralyzed my thoughts, making it impossible to plan my escape. Then, like a left hook to the temple, the overweight, underprivileged, yet extremely talented black girl (cliche, anyone?) belts a note so powerful that all thoughts of escape are vanquished.

With a single note, I had developed a paradoxical psychological phenomenon known as Glee-holm Syndrome. I have become a Glee loyalist against my own will.

I doubt I am alone. With over 11 million Americans watching Glee every week, there are sure to be many people who share my predicament.

Unfortunately, this problem will continue to spread. Fox may eventually figure out that they can use other programs to brainwash Americans. Soon enough, the Fox network will have brainwashed an entire social and political demographic. Who knows how irritating that would be.

Using catchy music and believable characters (sexy cheerleaders), the Fox network created a television program that is a smash hit. It doesn’t matter what songs the glee club performs. It doesn’t even matter who the sexy cheerleaders date. Americans will continue to be stupefied by the amount of entertainment packed into each episode.

That’s why every Wednesday, I will log on to Skype, chat with my girlfriend and watch America’s favorite brainwashing television musical. I’ve been kidnapped. Please help me.