Ebenezer had the right idea

by Tyler Fransen

“It’s the most wonderful time of the year,” is the beginning lyrics to a song about a time that is not the most wonderful of the year. Now I know you’re thinking, “he’s a scrooge, he hates Christmas, he hates America,” and you’re right about two of those things.

I love America, but I am a scrooge, and scrooge hated Christmas so, “you are what a Charles Dicken’s novel says you are” as the saying goes.

But it’s not Christmas day I have a problem with, in fact I really love that day. I love receiving gifts, I love the food and I truly love nothing more than spending time with my family and friends.

And this year, I’ll probably enjoy it more so now that I can buy my own liquor, on the off chance that [relative’s name withheld] says something potentially offensive. All I have to do now is sit back, relax and enjoy my favorite artisan beer while watching the ensuing argument unfold.

So no, it’s not Christmas day, and it’s not for the music either. I love Christmas music! Nat King Cole is a treasure in American jazz, the Vince Guaraldi trio made Charlie Brown a Christmas mainstay, even that stupid Christmas shoes song, despite my gargantuan hatred for it, still makes me blubber like an enormous man-baby.

No it’s not the music, the day itself or even the cheesy overdone Christmas specials. Sure I may not want to watch the latest heap of trash, quick cash grab, “Donkey’s Christmas Spectacular” on TV, but that’s why I borrow my friend’s Netflix password.

No, none of these reasons above are why I hate the Christmas season. So what is it then? Shopping. Shopping is the worst part about the holidays and anyone that tries to tell me otherwise is an idiot.

Now you’re probably saying to yourself, “he enjoys Christmas for every other trivial reason, but he hates it just for the shopping?” Yes, yes I do! You see, Christmas shopping, to some of us, is just our plain old shopping.

All I wanted was a rotisserie chicken and a bottle of rosé wine, is that too much to ask? Apparently so, because now I’m standing in the grocery store, surrounded by 3,000 screaming kids and their defeated parents, while they’re all asking themselves, “how is this fun for anyone,” and, “why did I bring my kid Christmas shopping?”

It’s always fun too when a kid says they want this toy or that toy that costs around $20 and the mom says, “no sweetie we need to be responsible with money,” and not see the irony in the fact that there’s a giant $250 inflatable Santa in her cart. That Santa, by the way, will sit in her garage for eleven months out of the year, unless she needs a passenger in her car to drive down the express lane. Either way, not a fiscally responsible choice.

So what can be done about the hectic Christmas shopping environment for those of us that just wanted dinner for the week and some toilet paper? Well my friends, the solution is quite simple: buy everything in bulk, check the expiration dates and simply don’t leave your homes for the month of December. Sure, by all means invite your family and friends with you to enjoy whatever it is you bought in bulk, but bear in mind, you will run out of supplies faster with the more people using them.

Think of it like you’re getting ready for a pending disaster, but instead of total nuclear annihilation from the shores of our enemies, you’re simply being festive.

So a very happy holidays to you all, a happy thanksgiving and may we never forget the true meaning of the season: spending time with those we love, enjoying good friends and their company, and cuddling up by the fire with those that matter most to us. And eating your weight in turkey and mashed potatoes while lying to yourself about going to the gym in January, because we both know you’re not going to the gym in January.