by Tyler Fransen
I have an irrational hatred for flying, and I think after you read this piece so will you.
For starters, someone in history thought it was a good idea to cram 150 smelly, cranky and obnoxious people into a pressurized tuna can for a few hours while it traveled at high speeds just to see what happens. Whoever that guy is, I want his name, and I want to punch him in the face, figuratively speaking of course.
Air travel has become the land of inconveniences, much like going to the doctor’s office. Think about it: you have to show up early in case there’s a wait, you have to sit in a waiting area for who knows how long, and you occasionally have to take your clothes off to make sure you have nothing dangerous on you, and if you’re not careful it could cost you a pretty penny.
Not to mention the fact that both hospitals and security checkpoints have full body scanners to see what’s underneath you. The only difference being one is detecting for cancer and the other is detecting for explosives.
Speaking of explosives, did you know that in 2015 in an internal inquiry, the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) found that Transportation Security Administration (TSA) agents failed to detect mock weapons and explosives 95 percent of the time? It’s true!
But let’s assume you’re not a member of a terrorist organization and you actually want to fly on a plane without a hitch. Well sorry, Charlie, but you’re going to have to check a bag first, and depending on which airline you fly, it could cost you some serious coin.
What’s worse is that bag handling fees don’t even guarantee that the airline will keep track of your bag properly. In fact, there is still a risk they could lose your bag at which point you’ve basically paid them to lose your stuff.
Don’t think it can happen to you? Once I was flying back from a broadcaster’s conference where I had just won two national awards. You know what happened next? The bag containing the awards, my clothes, my toiletries and my makeup all disappeared like Brendan Fraser’s acting career.
I never got the bags or the awards back, and right now somewhere deep in a warehouse there is a sad, lonely, destitute blue suitcase housing what are now the shattered remains of an award winning broadcast career.
What was the airline? Well, I won’t give any names but let’s just say it rhymes with blue knighted.
Alright, so let’s say that your airline either doesn’t charge you a bag fee or at the very least gets your luggage to its proper destination on time. Well, congratulations but you still need to wait in line at security, whom we’ve just learned is not very good at their job.
It could take hours for security to go through and people wonder why I show up to the airport a week before so I don’t miss my flight.
But okay, you’ve gotten through all the lines, the bag fees, security, you’re finally at your gate and you realize you’re kind of hungry. Well, the airports have caught on to people wanting food, and they’re not having it.
When my family and I were flying back from a family reunion, my father and I decided to hit up the airport bar before our flight. We each got a beer and a turkey sandwich. You know how much it cost? $40. Yep, 40 bucks later and I said to myself, “Self, you’re going to quit drinking forever.” That lasted about a week.
So what happens when you actually get on the plane? Well, you’re likely going to be stuck sitting by one of the following options.
A: Someone like me who needs an extra seat to compensate for their bodacious hips.
B: The screaming toddler who’s upset about his favorite character dying on “Game of Thrones.”
Or C: The unruly sorority girl headed to Cabo for the week after she makes this connecting flight.
You may also be stuck with ‘bottle-of-vodka-for-lunch lady,’ ‘wannabe-famous-author-on-his-laptop-during-takeoff guy,’ or the entire East High School swim team, or a washed up Brendan Fraser.
Sure we can talk about the air traffic control labor strikes, the lack of new planes being flown, or the spotty at best safety records of certain airlines, but for now, I’ll end this piece by saying “Crap, I’m late for the airport and my Uber driver hasn’t shown up!”
